Brainless

2008-02-16T09:36:00.000-08:00

hello.

it's been so long. but not long enough. and still i dream the same dream, and live in fear of having to live out a reality that is so much more unpleasent. I'd like to live that dream. Every second, and minute of it. it doesnt last long. but it feels so damn good. i feel alive for just a moment. just that moment before the touch of dawn rips my eyelids open, forcing me to face another day.

things arent going too well. everything is pretty much downhill from where i last stood. position. ability. possibility of capability. etcetra. im pretty much used to the decadence though. numbed to it, more or less. and im glad of it. glad that it doesnt hurt like it always used to. i can now fail freely without anything standing in the way. failing. it's still not fun though. dont think it'll ever be.

and about that. i divulged to a third party. i needed to. i need someone to know that i'm suffering from indecision and cowardice. and the lack of ability and opportunity. i dont want help. even if i need it so bad. i dont want it. God has given me an odd peace. and i'm grateful. but nothing more is probably going to come of it. i try. and burn myself trying. chafing my soul and fraying the edges of my heart along the way. words soothe the hurts. and the memory of that hug still remains. welcomed on some days, rejected sourly on others. i love it, and hate it. i wish time had stopped then.

some look. but cannot see.
some hear, but cannot listen.
some speak, but cannot talk.
some feel, but cannot retain.

i see. and wish i was blind.
i hear, and wish i was deaf.
i speak, and wish i was mute.
i feel, and i wish i could never retain.

if love hurts this much,
why bother loving?
to impale yourself,
day after grey day.

the last. may this be the last.
i beseech and beg,
with the dregs of my sorrowed soul.
down on my knees

to try. and to fail.
time after endless time.
it aches so bad,
i could cry of the pain.

and you there,
unknowing.
i wish i could change,
from the inside out.

so you would let me love you.

2008-01-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

Bony ends wracked with pain,
Twisted into an obscenity.
Burning with shame inside,
Cursing my apparent destiny.

Hobbling and wobbling along,
Every step an arduos journey,
Sapping the mind's strength,
Inflaming the soul's vitality.

No person can feel,
No person can contemplate,
The void of honour in such a life,
To live on with such accursed traits.

Oh God above, on thy holiest of seats!
Why does thou curse me?
Smiting me with thy mighty palm,
Entombed in seemingly eternal misery.

The worldy physical gifts are denied me.
But what i honour i have, i hoard.
Releasing what light is left to my soul,
Flaying the masses with my thought.

2008-01-10T01:13:00.000-08:00

no fun. life's empty.

2008-01-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

Writing. And crossing it out.
Words. Born of sooty ink,
Only to be annhilated,
Wiped out,
By thy own flesh-hoard.

There doesn't seem to be a way,
Any way, to put it down.
No right method to untangle
These damnable twists and turns.
No strength to break the walls.

Speech crosses Thought.
Colliding in splendid calamity.
A pink tangled mass,
Lathered in foamy spit.
But the cat didn't do this.

Your eyes. Cool and Brown.
Like an Autumn's breeze blowing in Winter.
Inspiring the best the pen can give,
And yet, twisting the nib,
All at the same time.

2007-12-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

it seems i cant really blog at home. hmmm. cause well. i'm in school again. o.o yeah. this is dysfunctional. heh. brought starcraft to school so ivan could install it on his lappy. whoo... damn fun. no lag. ... o.O" yea. ok. it's a really old game. but what the hell. there isn't really much to do here.

as i said before (most probably, but i can't really remember now can i), school is starting soon. ... sucks donkey nuts. rahh. and in a way, it's personally... gratifying... XD i mean. the whole hol was pretty screwed up. literally. havent been able to go out much at all. :/ well. there's always the 6 months of holidaying after A levs. oh wait. got NS. ....

2007-12-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

whoo. haven't blogged for so long. lazy i guess. not good. must get my butt off the ground more often. before it starts to sag. XDD ahah. anyhow... now im currently stoning my butt off in school. the run today... was... shitty at best.. ahha. yeah. stil far way off from desired timing. but i'll get there la. just need to hype myself up once in a while. :P

im... waiting for my frisbee... .... nadine.. where are u... -.O im bored.. haha. got meeting at one.. until dunno what time. can't make it for night cycling (nuts). parets still don't trust me on a bike, at night. or technically, on a bike at all. for that matter. .... wtf. home electricity supply down. so cant spam ps2 or com. so.... stone in school i guess. rahh!! where is the frisbee?!

anyhow.. lotsa things have been happening since my last post. e.g., bangkok trip la... stayover la.. getting pwned by fever la... destroying my poor defenseless guitar by accident on xmas morning la... and.. stuff like that. and emoing on xmas la... writing super awesome poems la... getting damn awesome high score on tony hawk la... owning ace combat AGAIN... and again.. FIFA... all the late night gaming... and dying kois... and running.. and laughing.. and crying.. and farting... and shitting.. and farting some more.

SIAN.

now hols are coming to an end. soon. be back in school by next week. ... A levs year. ... never mind. must keep eyes on the goal AHEAD! the 6 month ownage holiday after EVERYTHING. :DD HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. owned.

But. it's going to be tough. sucks. hope i don't die.

2007-12-09T03:40:00.000-08:00

2007-12-06T02:35:00.001-08:00

Here I'm standing.
In between Yes and No.
Not sure which way to go,
And I'm hurting inside.

I'd do anything,
From begging to stealing,
Just so i won't feel that way again.
Ever.

I want to be happy.
And free.
Away from the pain and the hurt,
The possibility of love can bring.

Love's initial promptings,
Only now can i find the words to describe.
At this moment of quiet stillness,
A period of transition.

Gentle as a breath of air,
Caressing skin long confined.
Subtle as cool water,
Boring holes into rocky faces.

Persuasive as the tide,
With foaming brilliance.
And lastly.
As solemn as a winter's night. Chilling.

I could find love.
Or i could find the lack of it.
Two variables that seduces me with possibilities.
An unbearable weight.

I can hear me tell myself to shut up.

2007-12-06T02:35:00.000-08:00

This is awesome. i can play (more or less) Howie Day's Collide on guitar. and SING at the same time :DD hoho. this is too awesome for words.

anyway. nadine did some research on my name. here it is:

# Although the name Jerome creates an interest in the deeper aspects of life, we emphasize that it frustrates you through a scattered and emotional nature.

# This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs, bronchial area, liver, and bloodstream.

# Your name of Jerome is a dual influence: at times you can be extremely happy, expressive, full of fun, and good-natured; yet at other times you find congenial association impossible, being controlled by self-pity, moods, and depression.

# If you could express only the constructive qualities and restrain the negative qualities of your nature, you would always be good company.

# These contrasting qualities make it difficult for people to understand you and can lead to friction in your personal life.

# You are deep, philosophical, and refined, but your extremely sensitive nature causes you to become depressed over any real or imagined slight.

hmm. is this accurate? it's up to you i suppose. i think it pretty much sums up everything. heh.

But this occurence begs a question. what's in a name? i have not the foggiest. gotta spend sometime pondering this.

2007-12-03T02:34:00.003-08:00

2007-12-03T02:34:00.002-08:00

had another run today. sucking as usual. 5km. on and off. was SUPPOSED to be a LVL RUN. ah well. i never really did a level run before, as in completed successfully. level zero still not accomplished. sucks huh? yeah. sucks. need to keep at it. i can get it. can do. can. CAN dammit.

anyway. shoes... was the last person to come. heh. actually saw her bag while i wuz running. it was BOUNCING to the grandstand. ha. yeah. last person to do level run la. and what was that she was saying? ah yes... she reckoned by the time marcus finishes his run, she wouldn't even have finished her warm-up. ah. marcus. :D his run is getting better! :D everyday.... so awesome. whoops. side tracked. k. shoes. marcus finish, sit down, kannan come, talk. she still havent even start.

o.O"

hoho. damn slerng la.

so like. anyway. yeah. it was fun la today. really fun. talked a LOT. haha... gosh. ... i'm really going to miss having hz around. sucks.

2007-12-03T02:34:00.001-08:00

i can finally play tears in heaven. and as i sing it now, i can feel the melancholy of the piece that eric clapton may have desired to be layed down upon it. i feel so... helpless. as if there's a great tide land bound that i can do nothing to stop. nothing stands in it's path, particularly me. and so, like all others i will be wiped away, the slate cleaned and pure, finally.

as i run my hands over the steel strings of my guitar, with it's wooden inlay, i'm reminded of an age-old riddle. where is the source of music found? is it in the strings? or in the hands that pluck them? i ponder this. without one, or the other, music cannot be acheived. and so perhaps, the answer is " The point where the two meet.", for one cannot create music without the other, and thus the source of music is the union of both factions. much like myself, i think.

i am two parts. one part emotion, one part logic. but more often than most, emotion overrules logic. and so i lose balance. and i lose peace. this holiday, if holiday i can call it, i have discovered this much of me. that all along, i have witnessed emotion cloud logic, and so all actions are determined by mood, and emotional perception, instead of what i should be doing to create a balanced answer. i have lost peace. and i have not felt the lack because i've kept myself in motion. but now, life is at a standstill for me. i've stopped moving. and it's chafing me.

2007-12-03T02:34:00.000-08:00

i'm like. strumming my guitar. right now. playing qing tian. again.. and again... and again.. practice makes perfect. i'm dead bored.

saw odac today. :D or some of em. shoes. dan. hz. marcus. chang yong *surprise*. damn glad she could get out of the house la. anyway. suppose to have lvl run today. which i personally screwed up. e rest aren't too bad though. at least their on their way to getting back their previous levels of stamina. i'm still stuck in the dirt. and that was after 2 or 3 rounds. pathetic. suck.

all those dreams of being focused and getting past my runs easily. just dreams. i don't have the ability to make it real. and it sucks. because i'm a slacker. and i still can't break my mentality. all the other things i can handle. it's just the runs. and it's my biggest failure. it sucks so much. no one else can understand how fucked up this is for me. because they don't have this problem. they can focus well enough. they can beat down the exhaustion and the 'sian' feeling easily. i can't. and that's why i'm in the dirt. until i can find my balance, i'll always be here.

...

...

well then. about damn time i started trying. :D

heh. i'm not discouraged! which is a first. usually, i'd be ranting right about now. but heck la. i'm just going to try for it. and keep trying. let my juniors see how shitty it is so they don't end up like me. a sucker.

2007-11-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

Saw the Nikon EOS 40D in passing today. man. that is one sweet piece of machinery. haha. really hope to own something like that one day. one day. in the mean time, i still have my dear olympus.haha.

i'm bored stiff. spent the whole day at home, studying. jeez. that sucks. can't have a bit more excitement in my life can i? hmm. eugene and bernie planning a cycling trip to pulau ubin this wed. hopefully i can go. if my parents don't stand in my way, as usual. wonder why they do it. hmm. anyway, going to the airport to fetch the phase 3 people home. :) we're a batch again :D ahha. so happy. don't know why.

found some random pics. one of them here.

2007-11-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

reply to tags.

rome-Liwen: haha... ok... *SMILE*. ... *blink**blink*
rome-ffyona: haha... yea im trying.. :P lol...
rome-joyce: hha i love A3 too.. XD haha.. okey.

post.

just saw the phase 3 ppl off earlier this evening. very happy-sad. happy because everyone is having such a good time. there's so much love ya know? and sad, cause i couldn't join them during phase 2. so disappointed, with myself and cirumstance, more with myself. disappointed again, because i couldn't go for the RP competition because of this. and i couldn't bring myself to tell liang wei or eric. or shawn, when he gets back. jeez. i want to break. but without all this pressure. i hate this pressure.

anyway. i'll deal with it in my own time. really have to do something about it soon. back to this evening's happenings. :D really, the best. here. i have photos.

shoes. the cam whore. XD really. no kidding. heh.

eugene here. grinning away as he chows down on some HOMECOOKED food Joel made. awesome stuff. looks like this...

awesomeness la.

i really love this bunch. :)) love them so much. especially that guy at the back. XD hoho.

2007-11-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

back from xp. actually been back for quite a while. these few days, whenever i'm on the com, i try to blog. i type in the URL, wait for the page to load, fill in user name and password, wait for the page to load, click on "New Post", wait for page to load, and end up staring at a blank box. then my mind just blanks, overloads and shuts down. then i close the page.

i'm not sure why i'm only able to blog right now. i think it's because i feel that whatever happened during the XP is so intensely emotional and private that i can't type it out. and i won't. it's only for me and all the people involved to know, and remember. i can't force myself to type something that would turn out, a fake. unreal. more mind than heart. and so i won't. but i can tell you what i've become. a spartan. of the lowest order. but that's what i'm here to do. to keep pushing myself till i become the best person i can be. i onli am a spartan by my friends' patience and help. and not by my own strength. that is my greatest disappointment, and pride.

i'm feeling emotional. very. i'm missing all the members who went for phase 2. they'll be back tommorrow. hopefully i'm given a time by then so i can go and pick them up. but it's in the biggest crowd where i feel the loneliest. and even now, i feel so very alone. i've disappointed every person i've met in this life. including myself, countless times. each time i do this, it's like a blow i deal out. how much more can i take before my body crumples and fails? like a piece of parchment discarded to stray winds.

why do i even hope? why do i even try? is this my measure of human stubborness? it's in the genes i guess. or maybe it's because i'm not a likeable person. at all. well. that hurts. more than i thought possible. i try anyway. but the question "why?" still pops in. why? why? why? i don't know. i don't have an answer. honest. jesus i wish i did. i pray i have an answer for me. but i don't. i'm quite literally empty. sharp wit. useless wit, with no funnel to which i can apply it.

i don't hate myself anymore. that's a good thing. i guess. i don't hate, in general. i dislike. now at any rate. last time, anger was power. literally. the adrenaline and chemical stuff, u know? (don't know then go and check wiki). physically felt stronger, eyesight faster, reactions faster, blah blah. so naturally i gave in to the anger bit. but it became unhealthy after a while. had heart burns more often. emotionally black ALL THE TIME. (not depression ,mind, just black.)

Not much different from what i'm feeling now.

it's just a hole. a deep deep hole. empty and dark. utter nothingness that reverberates in the gloom. shaking the dust of pain from the seemingly endless ceiling of night. whoa. damn emotional. there's going to be a poem at the end of this entry. so get ready.

im even questioning why the hell i'm posting this. it's not going to do any good. it's just an outlet. a chance for me to COMPLAIN and BITCH about life that sucks at this point in time. no. that's not the way. i need to face it. smack it around till it's nice and tender. and comfortable. i make my presence felt in silence and behind-the-scenes action.

boy. i've no idea what i'm talking about.

i must be mad.

racking my mind against the useless.
knocking my brains to pulp.
they were functioning as such anyway.
no matter.
what i do now,
is beyond comprehension,
yours or mine.

the floor shakes.
the sky turns.
or is it just me?
my sky is purple.
my sun rise is blue.
what's yours?
a rainbow vertigo,
almost pleasent.
am i high on something?

a carelessness encroaches me.
me. not my mind.
me.
it's focus is me.
am i it's prey?
or am i the one seeking it.
the predator?
a sheep perhaps,
in wolf's clothing.

i don't care.
and in saying that, i submit.
ironic. irony.
a thing we can't live without,
yet we'd rather live without.
we will find however, the futility of such hope,
or similar future endeavours in this scene.
ironic load of bull i'm spouting.

all the friendly faces.
so dear.
so dear.
i'll never let them go.
but Death will release them from my bondage.
damn you, Death.
can't memory stretch beyond the grave?
can't i give a damn even after i'm dust?
dust that'd make you sneeze,
if i don't already, that is.

scattered mumblings of a mad man.
what is mad?
i reckon a point of view.
'cause in my eyes,
you're all mad.

2007-11-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

leaving for xp morrow. whoo! :D damn excited. ready to put myself to the test again. one more time! haha. bukit timah was tough, but after a while of gritting my teeth, the pain drew away. in it's place is something i can't really describe. hmm. some hidden store of strength? i don't know how to put it honestly. but i'm ready to test my limits once again. i wasnt ready for june, i'm more ready now, but never completely. now this is a problem.

finished my packing earlier this evening. stuffed in everything before receiving the message that we meet at marsiling at 8, instead of slernging in school. ok. that means i got to pack everything in really solid at home. morrow going back to school at 8 plus to get tent parts etc. oh and got to plan the route and stuff with eugene and alston. feeling guilty cause i didn't initiate any planning, and according to hong taa, eugene may have been doing all the work. going to try and amend morrow. musn't let friend's down again, not like last time.

2007-11-10T01:12:00.000-08:00

went to bukit timah yesterday. gosh. best training ever. maybe it's just me, but i really really enjoyed bukit timah. completely. sure. my right quads are kinda flagging, my right ankle is sore. but hey! it's all in preperation.. so now my mind is rightly honed towards XP. :D haha. that's the way.

yesterday was yang's bday too! hoho. there was so much... secrecy in the air. i reckon she could sense something was gonna happen la. all the extremely random giggling. and. daniel. daniel ah. whoa lao ah daniel.

anyhow. XP is on monday. mentally prepping myself now. getting loads of red bull and stuff. gotta msg my group later. inform them that David can't make it for XP. so need to re-arrange allocation of some stuff. ... sad to say, i find myself unwilling to carry the main tent around. XD haha. shucks. the inside of my bag is going to be seriously messed up. MESSED. UP. freak. i'll be lugging at least another 5 kg of MUD around. ... oh wait. we're only camping on Belumut. XDD hoho. so maybe i'll survive after all. ahah. ah heck whatever it is. THE MAIN TENT is MINE!! whoo.. ... whoo.. .. whoo? XD

bye datok. i'm going to write a poem for you now. we lost you due to our lack of... .. of... something. but the fact is, i won't be able to step on you. (boy that sounded weird)

you're green slopes that beckon.
the glint of dew in the distance,
winking in the morning's glow.
wrinkled wisdom set in harried rock and stone.

flies that buzz,
birds shrieking the day's beginning.
mingling like falling water,
that cascades to a crashing end.

the sweat we could have shed,
moistening the dry earth.
the pain in our legs,
straining and bending away.

our packs load?
unforgettable. undeniable.
as it makes it's presence known,
by the straps that sting.

in this short time,
without having made you're aquaintance
we say our goodbyes,
without even saying hello.

2007-11-06T03:32:00.000-08:00

did 100 grandstands just the other day. was supposed to do 200. AND I COULD HAVE. ... if it wasnt for the headache that followed the first hundred. XD i guess i shouldn't have pushed too hard for the first set. must've sucked up whatever sugar i had at the time in my body. funny though. i really felt VERY good. there wasn't any strain in my body after a time. my legs were extremely light, and my breathing even. if it wasn't for the headache, or after some self-reflection, my possible lack of mental strength, i could have done the next 100. this just means i need to come up with more ways to keep myself going. red bull? caffiene packs? i think i'm endangering my health. is it worth it? perhaps so. i place my friends above all else. so... this shouldn't be a problem. only thing is, how to keep my body from failing as well as keep my friends from worrying when all my strength is spent? thinking is required.

ah. and i think tommorrow is the checking for the medic packs. ... i'm in trouble. don't know the medic list, and i only have the minimal amount in my medic pack. shucks. this is another example of my lack of initiative. ... o.O" needs fixing.

i'm really addicted to all these wiki variations. honestly. wikipedia is the most well known. wiki halo and wookiepedia are fantastic. but i think my personal fave would be wiki quote. hoo yeah. awesomely inspirational and thought provoking stuff.

poems? maybe i shall write one. i've got stuff inside me right now.

in this golden glade,
of evergreens,
a gentle wind flows.
riding along the swaying of leaves,
sprinting along the blades of grass.

the heavens are revealed in an instant,
lit by brother Moon.
his silver halo expands across
round his pockmarked face.
the night is complete.

above the crowns of the oak,
far past the weathered browns,
in the dark places unknown.
deep regions.
untreaded.

there lie secrets.
unwholesome.
unclean.
raw and wrathful.
filled with a blind hate for all things.

and as Time spins the Earth around her girdle,
such as a small child might.
Change sprouts like weeds in spring,
like full-bodied roses,
in fertile beds.

where there is now peace,
unrest fast approaches,
soaring on the wings of change.

2007-10-29T19:50:00.001-07:00

Possunt, quia posse videntur.

italian. for. "They are able, because they think they are able".

dominic sent me this link. wikiquote. that was a quotation from the wpic poem Aeneid, written by italian poet Virgil. fantastic. im currently still exploring. they've got quotes everywhere! from harrison ford down to bill clinton. hoho. check this out.

Audentes fortuna iuvat .

italian. again. for "Fortune favors the brave." hoho.

2007-10-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

silently padding my way foward
a piece of the night
sticking to the shadows,
like my father taught me.

shafts of moon seep through the canopy,
lighting the forest floor.
but i miss the beauty of it,
being focused on my target ahead.

a young male wolf,
reddish silver in the night.
ruddy tail betells his youth,
and his fatal strength.

he sniffs the ground,
even as i approach.
stalking him as he would stalk prey.
i finger my knife's hilt. wary.

his head lifts,
staring into my eyes.
he feels my presence.
can he see me?

a low growl fills the air.
founded out,
i draw.
he advances.

a high leap sends us sprawling,
in a gruesome dance of death.
he strains for my throat,
and i for his.

our wills clash
and retreat.
and clash again.
like a battle of giants.

in moments it ends. his blood stains my skin.
his great heart i can feel against me,
beating.
slowly. stopping.

my scrapes and bruises
weeping fluids and blood
i ignore
a new task is at hand.

gutting the wolf
i pull out his still warm heart,
and eat it.
vile and raw. i eat it.

defeating him.
i defeated fear.
i defeated me.
i am the victor.

2007-10-29T05:03:00.000-07:00

pw is coming to an end.

i'll bet this phrase is appearing all over the blogs of singaporean youths in j1. haha. everyone seems to hate pw. hmm. i hate the initiation phase. but i kinda like it. i like it. and i like my group. most agreeable group ive had the fortune to have. ever. no hiccoughs wad so ever. well. not much anyway. small ones even if there were any.

had a hectic day today. chinese As. then an odac meeting. then pw practice. chinese was... easy? i dun want to say anything right now. just going to forget about it. now. now. now. i said now.

there. odac.. was about xp! excited.. XDD but sometimes must be a bit more receptive. i knew all the xp talk was affecting bernie. you can see it in her face... gosh. wrench my heart. an echo of that old feeling came back. still wishing i could switch places with her, hz and tara? yea. of course. but reason won. or... cowardice? disloyalty? dunno. maybe stupidity is the main cause of this flashback. maybe. i don't know for certain now. need to reflect more, medidate more, think more.

feeling too much is a failing and a victory. feeling too much and not thinking or pondering about what im feeling is a direct sin. and may i be damned if i commit such a sin.

listening to eric claption right now. got a new cd. the 'Complete Clapton'. the best. it's got everything in it. everything in his career. from Tears in Heaven to Layla. gosh i love layla... it's the best track i think. haha.

odac. my family. and ive lost more family members. it's like cutting off my limbs. it's just as bad. i can sense perhaps, some indirect imagery? i recall an earlier post. i said my greatest fear was to lose my limbs. but what happens when a fear is put to the test? how long can the being in which the fear resides stay whole.? not long i reckon. i can already see the cracks along my soul.

Sitting silent on rusted metal,
that once was blue.
i think.
the colour is so faded,
i wouldn't call it a colour.

my voice is stolen.
as i gaze into your silent eyes,
dappled with tears.
i blink back a share of my own,
for fear of shaming myself in weakness.

the truck starts. rumbling foward
crawling like a dying machine of a snail.
then it picks up speed,
bumping along as it goes.
but my eyes are locked in yours.

at five yards off, just over the hill,
you run crying to me.
tears flowing freely now,
to drip down that beloved chin.
quenching the Earth's thirst.

my heart clenches
like my fist gripping the rail.
rusted truck bites into my palm.
but it is an antbite,
compared to the ache in my soul.

but still i cant speak.
i cant cry.
even when the truck rumbles faster,
and the tires lurch foward.
i shake helplessly.

only when you disappear over the ridge,
lost in a cloud of dust.
i think you stumbled over stray stones.
i wonder,
are you hurt?
did you cut yourself?

and now i can cry.

2007-10-28T03:53:00.000-07:00

"Pride not poisonous one. Can be swallowed."

This is what mr lim wrote to me when i screwed up a 2.4 run timing because of my knee. i was badly affected, not because disappointed, but because i was too proud. too proud to give in to weakness. so now ive learnt my lesson. pride can be swallowed. and thus defeated. weakness is not a fault. stupidity is.

so im going to let this motto run in my own life, even if i can't run. but i refuse to give up. so i will keep trying. no matter what. i just need to learn to keep my head above water and tread it. if u get the imagery. so.. best way to learn this lesson is during this nov's xp, phase 1.

2007-10-25T21:21:00.001-07:00

unknown factions swell,
making their presence known.
boisterous arrogance
in a kindly face.

all around.
in an open plain,
no sign of shelter
no sign of retreat

their all around. everywhere.
prying in secret places,
nosing in delicate issues
that are best left alone.

and so.
with no options left,
i fly. running fleet footed.
as fast as i can.
but i fall.

and then i remember.
i am maimed.

2007-10-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

im slernging at home today. nothing much to do. chores. my parents think im their maid, just cause i don't have exams. yea. im going to get to work on my inr later, mayb do sum research for xp. or sum ting. chores later. hmm. going out with fan zhi soon. juz gonna go j8 pick up so headphones. heh. then mayb later spam a bit of halo. finally. haha.

feeling bored. been on the com since 7. wish i had the strength to entertain tara online last nite.. but. my energy all disappeared. that's what happens after u start breaking immediately after a long hiatus. hoho... nvm. my stamina wil return. mayb breaking again this sat. see how. training in the morning.. wonder wad we're gonna be doin? :D sounds cool anyway. love training. ah. breaking... met up with shawn and liang wei. had a decent session. my footwork is more or less cleaned up now. no more random spastic hopping. now smooth and controlled. haha. ok. freeze... not too shaby. no diff i can sae. but am now trying to transition from footwork to elbow freeze. slowly la. handstand oso need to prac more. liang wei tried to teach me 2000, but i screwed up. left hand not strong enuf to take my weight. yet.

write a poem in later. now going to tackle chores.

2007-10-25T04:58:00.000-07:00

it's confirmed. i have to give up phase 2. feeling angry and sad right now, bout a few things. one of them is my own physical and mental weakness, another is the whole situation which may pertain to my personal ignorance, which is birthed from lack of initative.

im gonna tekan myself right now. suan mae lack of pro-activeness. lack of initiative. i think this is what is bothering me most. not so much my physical prowess. im not doing enuf for myself. if i had realli wanted to go i would have done all i could. but now it's too late. which begs the question. did i realli want to go? i reflected earlier, so now i have an answer. yes. i did. i wanted to go. i wanted to suffer with my frens. i wanted to taste the sweat the blood the dirt with them. i wanted my legs to burn with my bag's straps cutting into my shoulder, looking ahead on a seemingly endless road, trudging through underbrush for hours on end, never knowing when the end is. i wanted the pain. i wanted the laughter with it, the hope and the despair. both sides of the knife. but now i cant. all killed by my lack of initiative.

i think im going to type out a letter. i think. but mayb my courage will fail again. as is usual. and i end up not doing anything.

Playing The Blame Game

hanging back,
staying my hand.
i let it slip right by.
flitting past me,
stopping for just a moment to cut my cheek.

whom can i blame?
what can i blame?
my cowardice?
my inability?
my lack of initiative?
or perhaps,
me?

or no. no.
maybe i will blame circumstance,
for pausing my hand's motion.
or time instead,
and maybe the lack of it.
shall i go on to blame a higher power?
or Fate, if it exists?

this game has to end.
come to a stop,
by whatever means.
it does no good to spite your reflection,
when it runs parallel to reality.

i seek not kindness,
i seek the truth.
but the truth that i seek,
may bear inherent cruelty,
and thus.
my quest for kindness begins.

2007-10-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

had odac training in the morning. i prayed hard i wouldnt, i tried so hard to keep myself from doing it, but it still happened.

my knee fucked up.

again.

im starting to wonder if the weakness of my mind is being translated out into a physical manisfestation. i wouldnt be surprised anyway. but the last dregs of my pride is starting to wittle away. which is good. im disppointed my knee failed, but im happy i actually made myself useful. i cheered my frens on. and ended up fucking my damn knee up even more. heh. hard to imagine it's psychological when it hurts so fucking bad rite now. XD hoho. icing now. ... past 10 min interval. no sign of ice burn. but i should remove it. but i cant. im still typing. haha.

mr told me his reasons for putting that line in the recent letter. i think im buying it. cause i know myself too. my physical sucks. to dante's hell. so. wad do i do? i have no fucking idea, drop outta phase 2 i guess. ... :( but i so wanna go! .. frag. but from what ive thought bout so far, im gonna at least make sure i can qualify to go. so even if i choose not to go, i earned my place. yea. that's the way sia! whoo. ... astronomy is a mystery. XDD

i changed my blogskin. looks emo rite? well it's not. it's just... . black. very black. e words were originally black too. changed to white. no point having a blog if u cant see a damn thing right? yea. that's the way.

ive got a poem here.

A Man Of Time

his hands shake,
gripping desperately to his ash wood spear
his legs tremble,
not with fear.
never.
but with the years that pile on his back.
crushing his spine.

his beard is white,
like an unstained winter,
with creases around his bright eyes,
like the crest of mount olympus.
only the set of his mouth,
that taut line,
gives away his unbreakable pride.

the years have been unkind in many ways,
taking things precious from him,
shattering heart, breaking his bones,
rendering his very strength to naught.
his soul is chained,
by the very body that he manifests.

old/young thanatos,
he strides from across the glade
where this proud Spartan stands.
and with him, lurks despair.
unflinching, the Spartan stands,
and in him, the ages long past
flares like the rising sun.

with a defiance broad and bare,
thanatos is faced.
but the smile of Death is kind.
he says

"yon years have passed,
like the rain in thou mountains,
flowing past many a river,
into the wide open sea.
now be free, and walk hither with me.
ye proud warrior of yon fathers."

and so a new road he takes,
this man.
this Spartan.
freedom to his soul,
so long tethered
and confined.
freedom.

and whence upon a time,
the lions of the Thermopylae roared.

2007-10-22T03:10:00.001-07:00

looking at you, i tremble within.
your presence is intoxicating,
strangling the air from my lungs.
my heart beats sluggishly,
as you claim it as your own.

enraptured by your smile,
i am willingly enslaved.
put me to the torch,
or flog me,
as though i bear the sins of all sinners.

but you would never do that.
holding me close,
tightly,
so i never know fear, helplessness,
despair.

whisper in my ear,
drive away the night-time demons
that ravage my soul.
save me,
stay with me.

we live in a crystal,
with the morning sun shining through.

2007-10-22T03:10:00.000-07:00

an experience like no other,
a trip to nirvana.
a journey into me,
across mountains and rivers,
into and out of the darkest regions.

a vibration deep in my soul,
thrumming with a life of it's own.
a creation of mine make,
like no other around.
unique and singled.

capturing people like fish,
and drawing them close,
to share in this special birthing.
a revelation of my mind
to the masses.

im showing you who i am.

2007-10-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

im going to teach you how to lie.

but does that make me a compulsive liar? well. not now it doesnt. but i used to be.

when you tell a lie, be it black or white, it's a part of you. you literally sell your soul for it's existence. and so, while you live, you take care of your 'child'. it's gross terminology, but trust me, it's the most effective so far. blah blah. yeah. look after your lie. always maintain it. why? because the rest of your soul lives and dies by your lie's well-being. when you lie dies, and is founded out by those whom you;ve lied to, your soul literally whithers. you become lesser, a smaller self then you were before. a self you won't wanna live with. any cure? nope. once done, cant be undone. ur scarred for life. but hey, that's why they have schools for the disabled. so pick your ass up. heh. but what happens even if the lie survives? hoho. that's a lil different, but mayb not so. because you still suffer. as time goes by, it ebbs at you. like little waves of guilt that wash away a bit of your sanity each time. until you seem to drown in your conscience's wrath.

i must be feeling perky or something. but actually, i think im depressed. XDD irony irony. or am i a parody? parody of a spartan. yea. i think so.

2007-10-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

riddled with holes
torn in places
this tapestry of lions
once glory overwhelmed the sight of it
now, it's just a memory.

cats of stature.
honor.
sheer majesty.
locked away in cloth and string
but now it fades.
like a lost kingdom.

where is the man,
to raise the banner?
blowing the horn
rousing the masses
raising a wave upon the land,
as has never been seen before.

where is the lion's roar?
where are the lion's teeth?
befuddled and lost
in the ages past
of murk and mildew
rotting
decaying

the time has come for a new age.
a new breath.
a new lion.

2007-10-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

im back. a changed man. surprisingly. a lot of things, apart from exams hav passed me by. and they've chafed so now im a lil different. in a better way i hope. mayb i can live a little more contentedly then before.

lemme juz talk bout the more recent things that hav happened. dun wanna realli tax my memory too badly.

i stayed back in skool after the NE paper. u noe.. it being a friday. so i thought id just loosen up. 2 more papers after that. lit paper 4 and maths.so yea. played like 6 hours of frisbee nonstop under the sun. realli powerful UV rays man. gave me a headache in 5 mins. haha. everyone got giddy too... half an hour later, i tink nicole stepped out.. yang refused to step down to play anyway. ... 'flying object phobia'. XDD anyway. must hav been the heat or sum ting. cause i had a sort of a tantrum. embarrassed to sae so. but yea. i tink i had a mini tantrum. wuz a lil fed up with ppl not passing me the damn frisbee when i had a clear vantage point. so i flew off in a rage.. shoes tried to talk sense into me... but.. not much use.. i calmed down a bit.. but i tink e rest stil hav no idea why i freaked. gonna leave it dat way. it's stupid. but. anyhow.. i had sum private time at the fitness corner. juz staring at the clouds. it's damn cool. it felt like i could see the tectonic plate that wuz asia reflected in the sky, and moving. it wuz realli cool. and it cooled me off too. so. yea. went back to find e rest playing on the field. dey stopped to try and find out wads wrong with me, but i tink rod told em to let me cool off. talked with yang and jethro. heh. irritated yang with the frisbee. anyway... after that did frisbee ballet. honestly... i tink i lost my manhood.. XDD haha. it just involved throwing e frisbee around with sum fancy 'ballet' movements.. haha. yang enjoyed herself immensely. lol. den shoes took over my frisbee, so i went to relax fer a while... haha. hmm. den wad happened? ah yes. had a chat with shoes... in the rain... onli den did i realise how angry i wuz, cause the rain realli cooled me off.. and talking to shoes.. i dunno. i did sum self reflection in that conversation. and.. found out just exactly how torn and tattered my soul is. and the hand that did it al? my own. i tore my soul up on my own.. the rain reminded me so much of chamah. so much. haha. i wish i could say im the sort who 'runs in the rain so no one can see me cry',XDD ah. inside joke. haha.. weird. but no. shoes taught me how to hav fun again. as well as introducing me to a long lost friend again.. the rain... i miss just standing under it. feeling it's embrace. even now im thinking bout it. boy i hope it rains tommorrow.

second event. my poetry. i realised sometime, not so long ago, that my poetry is ... different. it's not a matter of topic. it's the style.. it seems to be shifting. turning into something else. i firmly believe that a person's writing is based on his mood, emotions and his thinking. does this mean my thinking is changing? hopefully for the best. tommorrow im going to try and write something different. something.. new. no more anger. no more hate. no more despair. no more darkness. no more morbidity. sum ting.. different. no more looking back. i think im going to try and look foward

finally. this event takes place now. it's got sum ting to do with the first event. as i talked to shoes, we came to the topic of our fears.and conincidentally, our fears are the same. loss of limbs. i didnt place much thought on it at the time. however, tonight, as i read a certain novel, i came across a situation where the character looses his hand. or rather, the use of his hand. i paid attention however, to his reactions and the emotions at the time. he said sum ting memorable. referring to his hand, "this is not me. the thing that makes me is far away. no hand, no leg, dictates my being." and i thought to myself. why do i fear the loss of my limbs so. is it onli due to a decadence to dependence that i detest? or is sum ting else. vanity? i dont noe. im still thinking bout it.

2007-09-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

man dis sucks. just sucks.

2007-09-07T18:54:00.001-07:00

gosh. just dled mae new timetable for first 8 days of term 4. fucking screwed... deres onli.. wad? 12 days to promos! shit. im so dead la.... mae geog is gonna fucking die.. mae econs.. still salvagable. lit is not a worry. gp... i hav no effing idea. maths. now is the time to actually start revising. perfect timing i have to sae. particularly e topic on differentiation and integration. promo paper sure chock full of it.

BUT THE GEOG?! how... shit man. i havent even finished e readings for economic geog!! how how.. physical havent even breathed on it la... shit. i still gotta go look for chris tay and find out how to answer geog questions. o.O" whoa lao sia. so messed up.

k. i zhao first. too worried to type.

2007-09-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

boring day today. and the day after. and the day after dat. not till the exams are over will things get interesting. dese days are filled with stale adrenaline and extreme worry. utter worry that rends heart tissue from rib cage. something like dat. it's a melancholy thing.

man. i miss working out. it's making me so lethargic... all this sitting at home and constant mugging. even now i dun seem to rmb a damn thing of wad i've read.. so fucked i sae. i juz pray i dun flunk e promo and end up getting kicked out. argh!!! so shitty.

k. now ive successfully made myself miserable. im gonna go try drownin myself before attempting studies again. hur.

2007-09-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

MORE PICS FROM ZOO RUN!!

PHOTO'S FROM SENIOR FAREWELL!! dis is a dismal collection. cause majority is in jethro's cam. hur hur.

2007-09-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

had e farewell for the seniors 2 days back. posting this a lil late cause ive been mugging to catch up after spending bout 2 days off. XD haha. yea.. seniors.. jeez. im going to miss that bunch. guess i should've spent more time getting to noe MORE of em.. but fer e ones dat i DO noe.. :D im happy. haha.. i brought my cam. without charging e batt. o.o yea. so... ive got sum shots. but dey arent much. jethro's got the majority of it.

oh yea! and the zoo run. even though i couldnt run :( cause of prolonged injury, i managed to get sum realli awesome shots of the journey there and wad we did in the zoo/night safari.. haha. im even thinking of going into animal photography! i managed to get an interesting lemur in it's natural behaviour. XD (nic dorville). haha... nah. lemme show u a GROUP of lemurs cam-whoring.

heh... and some squirrels perhaps? XDD

ghaha.. so weird luh. XD ya noe. i took a pic of yang, nic, shoes and vic and onli nic didnt awaken. yea. daniel too.. but didnt get a shot of daniel.. he wuz snoozing by the polar bear's enclosure. loves em bears.

damn. wish i could post sum mure. but no time. later dis morning den. ciao.

2007-08-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

List out the top 5 birthday present that you wish for:
1. mac power book... oooh.
2. Sony alpha slr.
3. a dance room of my own
4. tickets to red bull BC1 2008 XD
5. the chance to see the himalays

Answer the following questions:
1.(the person who tag you is …)
Valerie TAN!!!

2.(your relationship with him/her is …)
XD extremely close church friend/friend from church/whichever way u want it.

3.(your 5 impressions of him/her ..)
HYPER, laugh buddy, squuezable XD, serious and yet crazy, serious complainer. hardcore.

4.(the most memorable thing he/she had done for you)

help me with family issues. whole nuch of times.

5.(the most memorable words he/she had said to you)
jerome tan, you are gay and james is your lover. ... (untrue untrue)

6.(if he/she becomes your lover, you will..)
hur hur. XD keep u guessing.

7.(if he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be)
hur hur... still gonna keep u guessing.

8.(if he/she becomes your enemy, you will…)
commit suicide. instantaneously.

9. (if he/she beomes your enemy, the reason will be …)
the darndest issue

10.(the most desire thing you want to do for him/her now is …)
listen to her rant. ranter.

11.(your overall impression of him/her is …)

inner joy through outer ear ache.

12.(how you think people around you will feel about you?)
i have no idea. dun wanna noe though.

13.(the character you love of yourself are …)
ironic blend of childishness and spontaneous maturity.

14.(on the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are …)
... iago. XD

15.(the most ideal person you want to be is …)
no one's ideal to me. we're all testimonies to god's sense of humour.

16.(for people that care and like you, say something to them ..)
wassap ppl. i love u back. yay. now stop giggling at my face.

17.(pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wish to know how they feel about you)
1. shawn liu
2. roderick
3. bernie
4. nic dorville
5. algae
6. nadine
7. yang wei
8. shoes
9. hong taa
10. marcus

18.(Who is no.6 having relationship with?)
she's single.

19.(Is no.9 a male or female?)
he's a man sia.

20.(If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?)
im not too sure. could be? they make a good pair. XD

21.(How about no.8 and 5?)
hur hur.

22.(What is no.2 studying about?)
Science stream. lit as h1.XD

23.(When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?)
yesterday at mcritchie.. but she wuz sick.. :(

24.(What kind of music band does no.8 like?)
mixture if im right.

25.(Does no.1 has any siblings?)
yepp. younger bro.

26.(Will you woo no.3?)
mayb. mayb not. we'll nver noe.

27.(How about no.7?)
erm. haha. same answer. the dark side clouds all. not sure how this applies.

28.(Is no.4 single?)
I HAV NO IDEA. o.o i should ask though

29.(What’s the surname of no.5?)
lim

30.(What’s the hobby of no.4?)
haah writing poems and literature. haha.

31.(Do no.5 and 9 get along well?)
yes. we're all loggers. hardcore elites.

32.(Where is no.2 studying at?)
CJC

33.(Talk something casually about no.1)
he... he... is in srjc. o.o damn casual sia.

34.(Have you try developing feelings for no.8?)
no... she's my sister. XD

35.(Where does no.9 live at?)
ah. cck dere? i cant rmb. failed geog.

36.(What color does no.4 like?)

37.(Are no.5 and 1 best friends?)
nver seen each other's behinds.

38.(Does no.7 likes no.2?)
sigh.. i don't noe.. again it could be anything..

39.(How do you get to know no.2?)
odac!

40.(Does no.1 have any pets?)
no.. nooo.... NOOOOOO.... god wouldn't allow it.

41.(Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?)
damn sexy sia. yea.. freaking hot. melt the arctic. ... are u happy now? *headache*

2007-08-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

hmmm. lots of things hav happened lately. mostly it's the end of odac till promos are over. yea. when the results come back. and those hu can stay on in cjc are blessed. yea. den it'll start again. man. i wish i could cry.

anyhow. today wuz.. intense? that the word? dun tink so. but wth u noe? dun care. so. intense. everyone had to complete 107 GST (including 7% GST increase). at least.. dunno 30 or 40 had to be done with logs. haha. yea. me and jethro proceeded to do 107 pullups, followed by 107 pushups. this was in the spirit of fellowship. heh. it worked. even though i have blisters that look like they'd erupt like krakatau, im very happy. happier den i ever have been for a long long time. we're really bonding. but human irony is dramatically inherent. wad we hav taken so long to build, may soon be broken. i just hope no one screws up promos. even if i kena hav to leave cjc, i'll leave happier knowing that odac is still alive. it's just lacking me. not much loss.

ho. i'm a real wet blanket. heh. meeting shawn and eric on friday to break at esplanade. hope i can stay and not disppoint shawn. :( hey dude. i noe ur feeling fucked bout me. but... i dunno. i have no idea how to properly make it up to u. sry. i'll break hard.

2007-08-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

2.4 test morrow. nervous. last one i busted my knee. and hong zhou asked me e most difficult 'question'. ever. "why do u keep halfway run run then stop?". e answer wuz damn easy, but hard to sae. "cause im weak in body and mind". see? so now im still reeling from the question. but i dun tink he noes e effect of it. so.. yea. juz leave it first. i juz wanna concentrate on the run, even though got injury. i don't noe any tricks on how to do it. i juz noe i have to do it. another obstacle for me. and i dun just want to complete. i want to complete and at least break 11. im literally begging myself rite now.

e question i'd like to pose myself, just to disturb disturb, is why can't i push it? mayb it's a question of wanting? i don't noe. i need to tink on it. but i seriously need to find out why. soon. cause it's killing my confidence it me. yea. stabbing continuosly with a barbed knife.

heh. got back from e cat retreat in skool last nite.. haha. all i can sae is.. it realli wasnt wad i anticipated it to be. XD haha... yea.. weird. it wuz actually quite fun. despite the fact that bastard showed his face. i seriously, just wanna slam his head in the corner. i swear. punch him till he bleeds out of all holes in the face. kick him wen he's lying dere, prone on the floor. i dun care if i kill the bitch. hu the fuck is he to make my life even more miserable. mayb i shud fuck his life up a bit. yea. i realli hate him. i hate him more den any other person in the world. i swear. i hope i meet him in the gym, cause i'll juz pound his head in with a dumbell. the heaviest i can carry. pound it rite in. no hesitation.

whew. so much anger. boi i realli do hate him. heh. not too good huh? mayb i can fuel myself to run faster on the track morrow by hating him. i dunno.. it prolly wun work. cause im so weak. but anger will make me stronger. but won't love will as well? i dunno. if im asking myself to go round loving random ppl, quite hard. especially dat supercillious bastard. mother fucker. yea.

2007-08-20T02:37:00.001-07:00

hmph. broke my silence in class today. guess i found sum ting to sae after all.. yea. but... i still may hav sudden breaks of silence. when i juz cant take the shit around me.

haha! finally.. nic dorville has passed me her poem book!! whew.. waited how long sia.. unbelievable realli.. it's damn cool la e way she writes... she makes the random and normal stuff of life EVEN more random and turns normal into ABNORMAL. ... truly odacer.. XD

anyhow. exams draw even closer. my paragraphs are still damn short. life is.. feels like it is anyway, drawing to a close. for sum reason. strange strange reason. mayb im gonna die at the end of the year fer sum unexpected reason. hmm. possible. mayb i'll fuck up my exams and end up getting laid back in J1, or worse, transffered to poly, or EVEN WORSE, lose my head and kill myself for failing. hmmm. oso possible. life is like a running track with many many turns and paths. u just hav to choose one and keep ur head downwind and run. run till you die. sum times, u might slow down, but dats ok. juz keep up the momentum. and when u feel it's time, blast off again. cheong. dis is my flash theory on life as i know it.

but for me, a bit different. this is just the general idea.

my life... is no jogging track. it's offroad. i'd liken it to the paths of gunung chamah, cause that is the toughest terrain i noe to date. so yea. and it's night, it's always night. there is silence. stillness and silence. u know there's nothing else living that's there because nothing's moving. it's just a dead silence. exactly what it is. dead. but there are plants. you can feel them, even if u can't really see them. they brush your cheek as u walk, sum times a stray thorn sticks to your hair.

and you can feel sum ting behind you. but wen u turn back to look, all that's there is a black emptiness. like the path behind you gets deleted as you take a step foward. you know sum ting is chasing you. the heat of pursuit is thick in your blood. so you hurry. as fast as u can. scrambling over dead bracken and branches, crunching leaves you can't see, clambering over stones that cut and stab you. and ever so often, you feel a weight, as if of a backpack on you. sum times, it's so light u don't feel it. at other times, it cuts ur shoulder and bends your back. the only light is dat of the stars and moon. most of the time, they are shielded by clouds, thick as wool. but when they are allowed the brief freedom of shining, they light ur whole path up, as far as u can see. with the brilliance of a lost evenstar. and the constellations are your friends, whom u can talk to, and hear a whisper, as if they speak from far off.

this is my life. and the peak is still far away. but im heading there. there's onli one way. up.

2007-08-20T02:37:00.000-07:00

study period. intense. still not fired up. dunno how to do so. getting quite bored of this blog layout. mayb i shall change it after posting.

still keeping silent. im not saying a thing in class, fer sum reason. dun care. now sean wants to join me. .. this isnt a game la. speechless.

short paragraphs. supposed to drive e msg in. xD ha. yea rite. anyhow.. i discovered my lit skills a bit deteriorated. need to work on em. including BNW. muz score like mad. oh yea. today lit lect. tot i nearly kena tekan by fahy. WTf. scary shit.

2007-08-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

ive been emoing around in class dese few days. dunno. mood swings? haha. cant be. im onli happy wen im around odac. ... so.. yea.. besides, i dun realli find anything interesting to talk to with my classmates. fer some reason. yea. so i'll just shut up. cause i dun hav anything to sae.. in case any of my classmates are readin, jus noe it's nth to do with ya. XD yea.

ah well. rainy lil sat morning.. been gaming e whole morning.. later in e day hav to sit down and actually study. econs class test wuz a real fucked up affair. 3 and 0. o.o wtf. im realli freaking out la. i noe i can get 3/4 the requirements to promote.. it's juz econs left to figure out.. dammit la.. sucky shit. mayb it's realli time to do it ya noe? pull up my socks and stuff. yea.

realli guilty. been putting off breaking with liu fer sum time. ... shit la. realli no time. skool, study, extra lessons plus odac (not complaining here). can barely juggle... hais. looks like moon people crew has to go on standby till after promos. ... even den stil no time. gotta prepare pw. chi a levs. o.o fuck it.

hmm... nfs most wanted. ... most screwed up game in the world. ... spent like an hour last nite trying to finish it up. argh. 15 attempts on the same race. shitty crap. i got so pissed off i juz flicked it off and fell aslp. couldn't be bothered. irritating nonsense. o.o

busted my calf and knee. knee is like.. dunno how many times liao. o.o shits. but soon la. i'll be back on the track faster. cause i cant stand not running. mayb dats e real reason fer my swings. but wadeva la. im realli weak and i need to strengthen myself asap. otherwise my pride will all die den enthu fer odac mayb oso die (highly unlikely. but hey. better safe.) den life flush down the drain. o.O""" yea. sum ting.

k. poem shall i? hmmm. mayb not. lemme talk a bit more first. i'm not feeling any particular vibe to actually write anything bout something yet.

heh. nic dorville has been here huh. hi dorville! XD heh. yea. her blog is damn interesting. anyone willing juz click on the link dere. first one. go read wad she has to sae. it's a lot, but it's good reading. XD i swear she's gonna produce sum cool ass novel in the future la. sum mid dystopic-utopic novel based on the feminist movements of the past, combined with some elements of economics and a mixture of wit. .... whoo...

i gotta get my exam mode on. yea. need to motivate myself. .. well not realli. i juz need to push. it's e same technique as running, except it works better off the track. fer me anyway. yea. it's wad odac should be doing. connect and transfer. thing is, i connect and transfer from my books to the track, so... not much sense. o.O" yea. geog. dead subj. realli. im so gonna screw up. i juz hope i dun. hoping sum ting dats probably gonna happen, and yet, in admitting it's possibility, i am labelled a defeatist? can dat happen? heh. anything is possible.

k. guess im not gonna write a poem today. mayb later tonight if i can stay up. ciao.

2007-08-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

i feel so shagged and hyped at the same time. paradoxical mix of things i know.. but yea. promos are damn close, and i just realised how close. hais. like a red beast of damnation and hate breathing down my neck in the medium of time. sick.

blog entries are short. 2 reasons. 1. i found that my mind is a better place at keeping my heart's worries. 2. i've onli got bout 30 secs left on the com before my mom whacks my head out the window. the neighbours hav already complained once. let's not induce them to do so again.

they still havent called spca. o.o

2007-08-13T04:46:00.000-07:00

long ass day. damn long. managed to get an extension fer the geog project.. to... well. morrow morning. not much time to do it. but me and kahlen managed to cook sum ting up la. sum simple stuff. dunno. chris tay probably wun buy it.. but wth la. i dun realli care. it's juz a damn ca. got more impt things to worry bout. like upcoming geog test... and... stuff. im not too sure wth it is but yea. im worrying bout sum ting. XD heh.

argh. having hard time rushing out the geog. cant concentrate. hur.

2007-08-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

hmm. dis is interesting. im back here again. within a day. i dun usually do dis.

ok.. im shagged. fer sum reason. apart from the reason that i stayed up all night/morning hooting neighbours. o.o still no call to spca. damn. are they retarded or what. there's a very lonely owl sum where outside ur window u dumb pricks, or dun u give a damn? ... evil ppl.

morrow is a very long day. till 5. tuesday is till 6 if my memory still serves me. i dun tink it does. it whores itself out occasionally. so yea. but if im right, dere's geog remedial. till 6. and i finish at 2 on tuesdays. ok. spectacular. wad else could go wrong? and yet, i already noe sum ting else always crops up. mayb my mind decides to torture me into kneeling submission (ooooh kinky) again.

life is boring. apart from odac which adds the occasional spice to life, it's kinda bland. i need more spice. i need her. but she's not coming. so get on with life already. yea. just wad i need badly. a pep talk. from myself to me. freaky. mayb i shud juz concentrate on studies and running. being last on the track realli sucks. mayb it's time to suck back. heh. suck back. right. wadever that's supposed to mean.

2nd sign of madness. putting yourself down. in public.

yea. studies. time to pass my promos. hmm. gp. .... hais. guess i'll hav to 'inspire'
myself into finishing an essay. actually finishing one instead of impulsively lighting it up with a match. ah wells. exams. will always be exams. than i ask myself wads the point. plenty of arguments. plenty of time. unless i get knocked down by a car or fall of cjc tomorrow. wonder hu'll weep on my dead broken body. what a sight to see.

ciao. im off to live my life and stop worrying bout everyone else's.

2007-07-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

heh. blogging again after another hiatus. oh wells. sry. i juz sian so dun feel like writing anything. heh.so hear i am anyway.

this must sound boring. but hey! guess wad? i can run faster! heh heh. 2.4 can break 11 mins soon. will know fer sure on monday. yesterday couldnt. cause last min got lightning warning. -.- du lan man. on my 5th round.. wth.. almost dere.. but i tink i hav to realli pus fer lst few rnds otherwise no kick. k. nth else to sae. bye.

2007-07-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

ah. finally im blogging. heh. got back ALL results liao. -.O dismal honestly. not SO bad. but... kinda bad? haha dunno sia. it's juz not good, but good enuf to get me to j2? ahha. calculated everything liao. to get to j2, i need like a whole bunch of sub-passes and Es fer all my subjs. yea.. not so good rite? how e fuck to get E or sub-pass fer geog? hard hard... but den again. i onli need one h2. den e rest all juz pass can liao. gp get sub can. whoo. ahha.

im failing to burn the dvd dat hongtaa passed to me. .. wth. sucks la. i tink jethro's pics seem to be corrupted. cant touch em wadsoeva. argh. lucky got bernie. XD managed to get her to help me burn. haha...

ah. morrow is wed. level run. ... i realli desire to complete and clear level 0. im the slowest guy. and here i am moping about in the dirt. i cant take dis dismal shit anymore. but im realli not physically up to the task? or am i being a defeatist. i dunno. i'll try for it morrow. i need to keep trying. i noe i can do it. one day. patience i lack.

mayb dis can remind me. strengthen me.

2007-07-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

whoo. whoooooo. whoooooooooooooo. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

random noises? no... dis is me. imitating an owl. but at the moment i sound like a retard (look like one too). ah wells. im feeling random and utterly... ECCENTRIC right now. XD so.. get ready before u read on. if anyone's reading anyway. yea.

ROIT. so now. my left arm is totally. completely busted. it makes wanking realli hard.. XD jk. JK. realli. im JK. and anyway, i dun wank with my left hand. so ya. gosh.. went bboying at liu's place on thurs. haha... painful man.. the deterioration of skill. -.O sucks. jumped into an airbaby and flipped over.. haha. den i came up with the INVERT airbaby. XDD genius. ... ... yea rite. it dun take a big brain to come up with it. boom. and now my upper vertebra is completely sore. ouch. ladies and gentlemen, dis is why bboying is so inaccurately known as breakdancing. disgusting misconception. yea.

anyhow... im not actually sure wad my inverted airbaby looks like. so gotta hav liu take a shot of it and tell me. haha! bet it looks like sum demented karma sutra position. o.O yea. wadeva. i HOPE not anyhow.. gosh. imagine. me on e stage during floorskillz interschool looking like im blowing myself. -.o damn. wad embarrassment. id hav to move outta the country. to... afghanistan? XD mayb dey dun mind solo blowjobs. haha!

ooh. potter is on... go watch. boo.

2007-07-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

training today wuz.. o.O" yea. hha. quite slack la. but... enjoyable? yea.. definitely. anything with odac is mostly enjoyable. like. prashan wuz doin lev 3 today.. so we were told to run behind him in groups fer min of 2-3 laps. yea. whoo... lev3 is damn fast sia.. literally sprinting alongside him. i burned on my first 2 rnds and jumped wagon.. lol. prashan is damn strong man.. take my hat off u. u could hav done the last round.. dunno wad happened.. NVM. nxt time will be THE time man. XD yea. we'll try to cheer u as well.

MEGA disappointed with my 2.4 timing though. after XP it juz siddled down to 12 mins plus. im gonna kick myself in the head. realli. but.. yea. im trying to get my dream timing but it's gonna take time. so yea. slowly. i'll get dere. 3 Ps. Perserverence. Patience. Persistence. im so gonna own la.

yea. but im perturbed by u noe wad. so.. yea. im still thinking and pondering wad to do. im walking blind for now.

2007-07-10T05:50:00.000-07:00

heh heh.. managed to borrow Great Expectations from jez.. hha.. not bad sia.. quite fun to watch.. i mean. it's realli one thing to read e novel and watch e movie version. so cool. ahha. quite freaky oso la i guess. i mean.. e tone of the novel wuz like so light-hearted. honestly. now dere's cold murder here. damn freaky. wth. the main character's sister juz got bludgeoned like no body's buisness. hais. quite strange. and yea... very very much diff from e novelization. ahha.

morrow.. morrow morning got level run.. man... i dunno if i can make it sia.. hais. it's not dat i hate running. it's juz dat.. everytime i run.. i feel so... inferior. it's cutting and wearing down on my mental strength. long term weathering can break stones to dust. so yea. right now im still holding on. but hu noes, furthur down the road? more along the year.? i reall realli dunno. it's.. worrying. yea. i juz hope i'll see some change and improvement. god. i realli pray so. but i noe dat i need to put in my share of effort to see some effects.. im so scared i'll juz break down like i did on chamah. i... im utterly worried. yea. no more laughs here. here is where im realli depending on my frenz. now wen it's realli starting to wear me down. yea. no doubt bout it.

yea. on a happier note. :DD i passed my maths. heh heh. first time sia..veri veri tyco i should tink. out of 5 ppl dat passed. haha. i literally screamed my head off luh. bit insensitive of me. should've tot bout everyone else. need to wake up my idea. jezreel looked disraught. mayb... yea. i'll go ask her weder she needs help. not dat im any much better of course.. juz dat mayb i can get her familiarised with sum stuff or wad. yea. dunno.

gosh. great expectations is realli.. scary. lol. it's like.. how susceptible man is to the temptations of power and monetary gain. scary scary. i mean... joe gargery's face wuz like.. utterly... broken up wen pip left. without a hug i mean. i mean look! joe's like e nearest ting pip's got to a father. gosh.

kk. im gonna go and watch e rest of it. peace. ciao.

2007-07-09T01:34:00.000-07:00

sian. sian. SIAN. god oh so sian. jeez. tot i'd get back my geog results today. kill joy. or not? haha. it's a sure fail sia.. so im not too sure why im so eager to get it back. :P lol. hope i nver hav to see it. burn it immiediately i get it. haha. lol. oh and shit. PTM is compulsory. fuck. teacher's and parents mixing? not good. not good at all. u get very explosive stuff like nitrous oxide. dammit. i hate such arrangements. ah well. it's nxt week. so i live till den.

hmmm. still trying to learn hong10 freeze. ... o.O" not doing very well. cant get mae head to stick out. waste of time la.. wa lao.. but it looks damn good. XDXD

2007-07-05T04:14:00.001-07:00

heh. it's currently 5 in the morning. XD im juz imsomnic and bored.. so yea. i found a few pics from odac dat im gonna post up. juz for fun.

This here is the sunrise on the top of Gunung Chamah. at 2171m above sea level. my first G7.

:DD this is batch x.

2007-07-05T04:14:00.000-07:00

today... wuz a sian chee pua day.. -.- honestly. the onli consolation wuz dat we could slack during pw cause we finished wad we needed to do before hand. haha. yea. rest of the day wuz completely.. urgh. brain murdering.

like geog. omg geog. so many bad signs and omens bout our impending results. o.O" die la. so gloomy. nxt monday results come out. sure mati one. lol. fan zhi's whole class chem results onli 2 ppl s rest of em U. wth. haha. but chem wad. diff from me. so e standard shud be diff. heh heh.

i am now in the midst of dolling out a stupid econs project dat shud hav been worked on during the hols... but yea. we didnt do it. so now suffering. morrow muz pass up. sucks. rushing it as much as possible. mayb tonight dun need slp. ... eh. wait a min. morrow got competition training. ah. den lidat cannot liao. heck la. morrow im gonna rush down and do cardio training on my own. ... i dunno if an survive sia. today i juz went with a short jog with fan zhi. shit. whole leg felt so tired and worn. dunno how to last morrow. evening still got 24 rounds to run. argh!!! i hate physical weakness... -.- lousy shit. i'll bet i'll come home feeling shitty again. crapus.

2007-07-03T01:07:00.001-07:00

just got back from school. ... yea. slack day. well.. not realli la. it wuz a regular day. hav a new pe teacher. erm.. cant rmb her name liao. XD haha. so pai seh. nver mind.. find out nxt lesson. oh wait. nxt lesson having with jason liu. lol. val is wetting her pants. val chua btw. not val tan. XD yea. so dun be mistaken. haha...

training today wuz... i dunno. horrible? horrible but pleasent at the same time. -.- yea damn weird la. fer one ting. most of the training wuz spent in the lt. had dis cool montague and documentary bout The GREATEST PLACES. gets u wondering wad i'd consider one of my top 10 greatest places. XD no. 10 would be mae toilet. heh heh. whoops. lol. yea. e montague wuz thought provoking too. for the first time, i actually felt the repercussions of my decision to leave halfway during the XP. i realli should hav stayed. but den again, wads past is past. i cant do a ting bout it. i promised myself i'd nver regret, but even now. ... yea. im feeling quite, down i guess?, bout it. im blaming myself for my weakness. i totally broke down dere, even though no one saw it. it wuz so dark in my head, i couldnt see wad i wuz doin. sucks to be weak. it realli sucks to be at the bottom of the food chain.

training also consisted of 24 rounds, each round 1min40secs. slow alreay. but naturally i burned out. and im not sure it's totally my knee to blame. i dun believe it's a injury. i tink it's an illusion i came up with in my damnable weakness. yea. i burned fer a while, den i forced myself back onto the track. i didnt care. i swore to myself id finish it, if only to prove to myself i can do it. i mean, g.chamah wuz kind enuf to allow me the confidence of doing sum ting ive nver done. so it's time to repay dat kindness by using dat confidence. im not sure if i finished the whole ting. only 2 ppl did. cause at first, we ran as a group. but slowly, we broke up. yea. ppl lagged here lagged dere. i lagged like mad behind honda eugene dey all. but i still pushed on. im glad bout sum ting though. i finally felt wad rod wuz toking bout 2 months(?) ago. the strength of ur frens presence. ms chok also mentioned it. but i couldnt sense it den. now ive finally found it.

so. the only thing to do is to work at my weaknesses. i see em clearly. first step. friday morning. cardio training. sprint around the track fastest speed. rest 30 secs. another lap. top speed. do 2 sets. ms cheong's advice. time to take it.

here's a poem i found in the library today. im oso gonna write down my feelings at the time wen i tried to analyse it. cant rmb the author's name. but i'll find it and put it down.

The little world the subject of my muse
Is an huge task and Labour infinite
Like to a wilderness or mass confuse
Or to an endless gulf, or to the night.
How many strange meanders do i find?
How many paths do turn my straying pen?
How many doubtful twilights make me blind?
Which see to limn out this strange All of man?
Easy as it were the earth to portray out
Or to draw forth the heaven's purest frame
Whose restless course by order whirls about
Of change and place, and still remains the same
But how shall men's, or manners' form appear
Which while i write, do change from what they were?

My response:

A cheapening of the senses endowed
Disgraceful beyond all measure
This restless and abominable disintegration
Threatens to take the very heart of me.
Like a feint to the eye
Performed in all desperation
A stab at understanding
The layered and intricate minds of geniuses
Over-lunging on loose footing
We fall headfirst down to a deep well
Sucked forth into the abyss
Everdeeper into eternal night
Where heaven's brightest flames dwell
Have we the strenght to lay eyes upon them
The cheap, shamed knaves we are?
before being blinded by it's finesse
Thrust back into the night

2007-07-03T01:07:00.000-07:00

ha. im blogging twice in the same day! o.o yea. nth to do honestly. my whole morning wuz blown away doing household chores and working on my econs.. now.. im juz slacking away. yea. real spontaneous. heh.

now waiting VERY impatiently for shawn and fan zhi to finish skool. poor dudes. XD got skool. as for me? heh heh. morrow den start. bugger. still havent done econs and EOM project yet. shit. i tink EOM gotta rush out tonight. yea. heck la. got all the material anyway. not realli overly worried. hais. sian man. realli. i wanna go use shawn's function room to break. ... long time no break liao.. argh.. wanna try out and learn hong10 halo freeze. ... o.O" hais... so shitted. mayb i shud reactivate my account on neopets. XD heh heh. sian man. u can tell how sian i am. LOL haha.

juz got the marist magazine. ... wa lao. i look damn weird without specs. haha... my bro is so damn anti social la. he's like leaning away from the rest of the group while smiling at the same time. o.O" wtf. lol.. argh. i tink i juz strained my left arm. juz came back from bball game with.. ... ... myself. XD yea. learning to do stationary layups with as little effort as possible so as not to burn myself out during a match. absolutely neccessary to learn dis. scully i make shiyu lose another match. show me his SCP face. eww.

hais. had to miss dan's slpover 2 nights ago. -.- father wouldnt allow. argh. shucks... all dese opportunities WASTED. haha. ah wells. study sia.. stop playing liao.. study.. promos are coming.. PROMOS. 6 letters dat spell a 4 letter word. DOOM. all angles if u look at it. XD haha. damn. still.. cant help feeling leftout.
:( win some lose some. at least i can look back on chamah. boi. ... cant wait fer morning runs to start.

oooh oooh.. :D got new pair of running shoes!! XDD heh heh. asics!! at last.. it's an older model.. bought it cause it wuz on sale. but hey. wadeva la. it's still asics. feels damn comfortable sia.. heh heh. oh yea. got sum lock laces as well. hmm. which pair should i install em on? ... o.O" im not even taking part in competitions la. wth do i need lock laces for.. hmm.. mayb i shall install em on the asics. den e asics i use at home. skool training i use the mizunos. XDD yea... awesome sia.

bboy. let's reflect. wad does it mean to be a bboy? personally. i tink it's the exploration and understanding of a new language. a language so unethical and unorthodox most people deny it's existence. :D MUSIC. haha. bboying is the expression of wad u understand from the beat. yea.. haha. wonder why im randomly doing dis now. ... muz be cause i hav nth to do. boi dat took me long enuf to realise.

k. im gonna go do sum pushups. ... peace.

2007-07-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

you know sum ting? im actually working on this super super long post dat recounts mae adventures on g.chamah. ... o.O" dis explains the damn long hiatus. but hey! guess wad. i got sian. so decided to blog regular first. XD the report shall come out.. in say.. i dunno. depends. if i hav enuf time another 3 weeks oughtta do it. but if not, 3 months mayb not even enuf. heh.

ah. exams are finally over. ... .. wonder how i did though. heh. didnt hav much time or energy to study (den sum mure every afternoon still got time go play bball) die la. but i TINK i did pretty decent. hopefully can scrape passes in every subj. hu noes? we'll leave it to the unknown till it's known. XD

ive taken to staying up DAMN late into the night gaming on ps2 and surfing. (so if u TINK im offline, juz click and chat. i may be dere. heh heh) dunno why. after chamah come home ive been suffering from quite severe insomnia. once i went without slp fer 3 days. naturally body exhausted so fell deep slp e following day. haha. damn stupid la. but hey. dats the way it is. oh and yes. sum ting is wrong with my stomach man. i eat a lot now. junk food and normal stuff all go down into this seemingly depthless abyss. XD

had milk run 2 days ago. great stuff man. EVEN though i stopped like dunno how many times, i finally felt the energy that rod wuz talking bout. haha. i wuz completely busted in my knees and my quads felt like water. but den bernie comes along and pushes me foward. :D TKS BERNIE!!! haha. tks to her encouragement, i burned sum kid hu tried to push past me to the finish line. YES!!! i finally burned sum one!!! ... ... poor kid though. tink of his ego. ahha. so all in all finished run 5.3 in bout.. erm. 31 plus mins. bernie came in 32. and she wuz rite behind me. yea.. im so gonna take part in more runs. XD oh yes. i shall try and get dis foto of me and bernie posing in front of the camera as we ran. lol. cam whores. seriously.

hmm. went fer mass with val manda and edward. mae bro wuz SUPPOSED to sit with us, but being the anti social twit, he decided not to. o.O" dunno wads wrong with him. mayb it's juz me, but val seems more hyper ever since she started attending poly. XD now my testicles are in danger. ..... ooooo. damn.

peace

2007-06-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

havent been blogging much. XD so sry. been horribly busy preparing fer xp which is culminating morrow. haha. finally. im like a mixture of emotions rite now.. e camp out, for me, wuz a complete physical disaster. wad happened wuz.. we had dis lil camp out fer 1 night and a day to try out our scenario planning. haha. fer odac as a whole, i tink i went pretty well. but for me.. not so good la.

k. first night. night hike to lower pierce from macritchie. ok. im not realli sure if it's mae packing skill(seriously lacking) or lack of physical fitness or sum ting or other, but i found it quite hard. honestly. personally? i tink it wuz the oppressive darkness and the lack of info bout the final destination. yea. we didnt noe it wuz lower pierce till we actually got dere.. so... yea. but it wuz realli hard. i wuz staring mostly at the floor, no point trying to observe mae surroundings cause it's more or less pitch-black. hha. everyone behind and in front wuz having fun with their torches. o.O" heh. even joel hu wuz in front of me. but lucky for him la. if he hadnt been constantly calling behind and giving warnings bout steps etc we'd be dead. or decapacitated. heh. yea. so we hard trekked la. very fast sia the pacing. honestly. wonder hu the hell wuz at the head of the line. o.o honestly. mae ass wuz feeling imbalanced. ahah. weird.

wen we finally crossed the border of macritchie into upper pierce we stopped for dinner. heh heh... mae group (yangwei, alston, hong zhou) felt the power of apples la.. XD yes. i noe how damn weird dat sounds la. but it's true. after a long hard trek through pitch darkness, the nxt best ting u could ever want is an apple. or any other fruit fer dat matter. why? water la duh. it's damn packed with fluids. honest. fills up ur mouth like nth else... haha. oh yea and one of our stove heads went nuts. literally. it juz spouted gas. i tink dan fergot to lower the pressure valve after he wuz fiddling with it. gosh. and one of em juz wouldnt light la. idiotic ting. so we were temporarily disabled while e other groups set about cooking. (sum dunno how to cook rice. -.- turn out porridge or 'fried' rice) but we eventually solved the problem. alston poured water over the stove head.. argh. accident i noe. he didnt hold on to the mess tin as he boiled la.. note note. haha. dry dry with tissue can liao anyway. ahha..

oh yea. another ting is the stars. :DD fantastic. e constellations were striking. beautiful stuff. it literally lit up the sky. most fantastic ting ive ever seen la. ahah. hope to see more on chamah. XDD saw scorpius, crux and big dipper. great. haha!!

2007-05-31T22:05:00.000-07:00

a weight on the mind.
bogging down the processes.
contaminating those happy times
like a pollutive cloud.
sapping strength that i so desperately need.
like a tumour of massive proportions.
a device of devil-make and
malicious intent.

but than again.
it is merely a line in an eternal equation
a formula of inconsequential size.
therein lies the trap of traps.
for it is the smallest detail
that has the greatest effects.
one line in an equation
magnifies the change in it's result.

so what can i do?
for everytime i try,
i fall.
hard.
skinning my knees for the countless time.
even if the spirit is strong,
exactly how much can the body take?
take the punishment
that this dastardly doom has so decided
to impose upon me?

and even now.
as my ragged breath mists the air
and the sweat freezes off my limbs
which shake from exertion,
i see the end of ends.
in the frozen wake of this life past,
the light at the end flares.
but wait. not light.
i fly from doom to unknown doom.
a darker hole
gaping brilliance.
it beckons.

2007-05-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

shagged. dun realli hav time to reply e tags.. :(( sry ppl. ive onli got enuf strength to make brief comments.

life is very tiring but enjoyable for me lately. it's really shitty cause gotta juggle exams... cca... knowledge test after knowledge test after knowledge test. but no matter wad, im not sick of it. nver will be. e onli problem is i doubt my ability to do it well. like knowledge test fail like free... class tests all fail like free. i dunno. but im gonna pick myself up from here. sian of failing. fail fer dunno how long still fail sime? o.O" buay tahan la. so yea

anyway. had training today. i wuz very disppointed with myself. supposed to run 30 rounds. pacing not impt. but juz as long as can finish. me? muz garang garang pace with hong taa rod dey all. in the end? 1.crash and burn. 2. injured. number 2 is injured. injured means? OFA fer fucking dunno how long. shit man. sucks la. i hate it. im so fucking weak. my mental cant overcome physical. lousy character and attitude. shit. i'd kill myself if i werent me.

2007-05-19T06:38:00.001-07:00

the raggged maroon.
ripped and ragged.
torn in two
split down the middle.

the dented shield.
damaged beyond imagining
once glorious gold
glinting like the evening star
now hidden behind scuff marks

the splintered spear.
halved in battle.
the glory of engagement
is beaten down to lie in the muck
trodden on by the unwary
rusting in murky loneliness

the ancient helm.
storyteller of generations past.
now lies forgotten
in the star lit plains

what makes a spartan?
when time unmakes all?
in despair and grief
in weakness and defeat
to whom do we look to?
whither can we hear again
the tumultous roar
of a thousand voices in bloody unision.
they live on in our hearts

2007-05-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

my poem of the day. ahah. later going to c mae lil bro get confirmed. work is stacking up again and ive seriously busted mae damn knee. left knee. ARGH. cant walk without wincing. dis post seems rushed. well cause it is. fer wad reason im not realli sure. i'll tell u wen i noe.

anyway. ubin trip yesterday. started off cool. nver ridden a bike with rear suspension. ooooh yea.. im so gonna get a bike like dat la wen i hav cash... XTR suspension back and front. whee.. 1000 bucks. ha. day wuz kinda darkened cause seren took a fall and broke her collar bone... it wuz realli damn scary la.. she wuz in so much pain and everyone wuz damn blurred. dunno wad to do and wad.. shucks man.. i felt so stupidly helpless la. sucks. im so gonna cough up sum research on fractures etc fer medic dept let em read. muz train em up.... otherwise scully dorville breaks her arm or wad in xp den mati. XD ahaha.

2007-05-05T07:03:00.003-07:00

im in another stupid state of depression. again. sick of it. as usual... i dunno. stuff is juz going up and down a lot. im worn thin... honestly.. i dunno. i dun realli hav much to fuck about. im juz so cocked up rite now bout every damn thing. im more alone den i once tot i wuz. it sucks and it hurts. no one is going to help me when i finally break.

cracking from top to bottom.
from head to toe.
what i knew of myself i have lost.
lost in turmoil and defeat
the shame is driving me to the edge
the very edge of sanity and life

spartan? me?
i have not the honour.
a disgraced wreck among the rocks
the one who trembled
in the company of the mighty
the weakest link in a golden chain
no peace will i have

im crying all alone.
here in the dark
no more strength even to breathe
memories as dark as the night around me.
closing and constricting me
how i wish it would stop my heart
bring me to God's embrace
and eternal light

but that's not going to happen.
not anytime soon.
if im weak
so be it. for i am no quitter
the cloak
and the spear
and the shield
of a spartan will never be mind
nor the glorious death they desire
but i am me.
and so i struggle on.
with the tears in my eyes.

2007-05-05T07:03:00.002-07:00

yea man. did 4 laps level 0. :D not fantastic but it's a start. a real start. i plan to do 6 at least morrow.. e key is to actually juz look and follow e person's legs in front of me. :P perverted and slightly sardonic but hey! if it works. hha! yea.. soon mae 2.4 timing shall hit 10 mins plus.. shit la. hong zhou is still damn fast la. 11 mins plus i tink. bugger. muz aim to surpass him. den slowly improve... now mae knees feel a bit dodgy.. bugger. hope they hold out morrow.

argh.. had kyakking course with ODAC last weekend.. ( hehe. ive got 1 star!! :D ) my skin is... not chaotah.. but red. i feel like roasted pig. whole body is damn tender la.. dammit.. hu's e genius hu got me to wear e marist uni. o.O" oh wait. dats me. ahaha. gosh. CMI sia.. now mae arms are like... i dunno. pain. but im not too sure if it's a muscle ache or if it's a surface prob.. cause it honestly feels like a muscle related problem. hmm. dunno. too many pull ups? :P

juz had argument with mae stupid brother and mother. fuckrs keep calling me retarded. damn shit la. dis juz goes to show ODAC is the other family i can realli depend on now fer emotional support. honetly speaking, im damn sick of dis treatment. if dat fucking bitch so much as TOUCHES me again, i'll rip her fingers off and shove down her throat. dis goes the same for dat fucked up demon brother. brother mae ass la. i hav half a mind to lose myself and kill him. my anger is realli getting out of control la. i had to painfully recall algae's log rules to calm myself down.. especially 'sad must tahan' and 'pain cannot show'. so im juz gonna ignore e 2 fuck heads. mother's day is dis coming sunday. my response? *middle finger shoots up* so?

anyway. yea. negative energy does me no good. and im gonna do away with all dese negative aspects of my life ASAP. once i hav a steady life of my own, and wen i can FULLY depend on myself, im so out of dis house. i realli cant take it. not even spartans can take dis. but den again, cannot also must can. i'll try my best.k. angry poem time to take my mind off it.

AWAY WITH YOU

a curse
a blow
mindlessly churned forth
like stinging white froth
you have no idea what it means
but you say it anyway
you do it anyway

what do you know
what do you think you know
you have no idea
because you don't know
a. single. damn. thing.
so away with you. all of you.
into the abyss you go.

the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.
i pray this resounds in your head.
till the eternal meaning of it drives you mad
drives you to your knees
where the bitter sand and grain will sting
and add to the madness.
what little love you had
i can see is gone.
given way to fermented hate.

if you hate me.
it's ok.
it has ceased to touch me.
i am beyond you.
birds have taken me
crows of damnation.
away from you.
to a new place where i can grow.
in the warmth and love that you never gave
that i never felt
know this.
if you hate me,
remember that i hate you too.

i am never alone.
i've still got me.

hmm. angry poem. but i feel beta. but i like dis poem. it's got emotion. poems are the physical translation of the mind's currents. haa.

2007-05-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

fantastic day. :DD went for kyakking course with ODAC... wuz at pasir ris at 8 even though e ting actually started at 930. o.O" dis juz goes to show wad sorta life i lead. a lifeless one. XD ah. gosh.... in short.. e whole day wuz juz e most fun ive eva had... but i learned tings.. stuff.. and not juz bout kyakking. like... odac is starting to become more of my family den eva. and im starting to realli love dis new family of mine.. but i cant help but still feel slightly secluded. i dunno... it's a guy ting? or is it a jerome ting? :P im working on it..

but the 10th batch is still no perfect. we hav a long way to go. i noticed dat eirene and hong zhou were having probs.. and dat we didnt support them enuf. we juz concentrated WAY too much on having fun... i feel guilty fer dis. mayb i'll make a note to them morrow. i dunno... it's juz the way i felt wen i saw hong zhou's downcast expression wen he couldnt perform capsize drill fer the god noes how many time. and as a fren and fellow marist.. i gotta do sum ting.

hais.. but.. we did sum crazy tings la.. XD like... doing pushups in the toilet while showering.. dat wuz kinda mad. hahah!! and sum.. other gay stuff.. O.o... gosh... haha anyway dere are sum pics and a vid.. i'll upload once i get them.. :P

2007-05-04T07:08:00.000-07:00

haha. tings are lookin up a bit. well in some ways not realli la.. but at least it's a load of mae mind. first things first. PI is finally done and away. dat stupid ting wuz realli giving me e most grief luh. poor cikgu oso kena quite badly. have to mark PIs like free den sum more muz accomadate fer everyone hu dun seem to understand e requirements.. sad.. but at least it's over now. tk god. a breath of fresh air fer everyone... but i mean ya. better fer me. i redid e stupid ting like, wad, 6 freaking times? shit man.

grades wise.. nth much to sae? at least... i noe mae limits and wad i can do to push dem furthur. being in odac has imparted this mindset to me la.. e fact that i hav a range that i can work in... but den again.. (CMC) by the power of 2. can means can, cannot means cannot. noe ur limits and work within them.. haha. but hey. e point is i hav to work.. i need to cover mae h1s now. exams are round e corner. june can be used to cover up e rest.

oh yay. i actually made improvement in mae 2.4 timing. :DD 11.45. it's not lightning fast or wad... but a damn improvement by 30 secs. so yea.

2007-05-01T03:56:00.000-07:00

finally got some time to blog. o.O haha. been super busy. loads of shit to handle and juggle and switch hands with. it's starting to get tiring. but strangely im kinda fired up. but im damn sure it's in the wrong way. nth good is gonna happen off dis.

k. first things first. studies. like shit. well fer everything except lit. but im sure lit will kiss the dirt soon enuf. it hasnt yet cause i still havent gotten back mae 2 tests. but im DEAD sure i screwed up. geog? shit too. havent even studied fer anything. although im damn sure i need to. i havent even looked at mae readings. im so FUCKING screwed. yes. now starting phy geog. screwed screwed. maths? screwed. but not screwed so badly yet. chi? not so bad. possible e onli subj dat im not screwed yet. econs? screwing. im not studying at all. dats fucking why. ohhh.. let's tink. hmm. GP? mega screwed. it's like so dar up mae arse i cant see it anymore. yea. it's near mae pancreas now. so shitted. i hav no idea wad to do with dis subj. so ya.

e paragraph above. wads dis about? despair? rants? complaints? bitching? probably. or probably not. wadeva it is... i need to grab dis situation by the head and get a proper head lock. round the throat whilst flexing the biceps. yea. and i need to do it fast. best chance? june to catch up on mae h2s. but mae h1s need to be settles. so let's gve dem the higher prority. ARGH. im not despairing yet. but im starting to feel the burn. yea. and odac is killing time to. but im not complaining. no bitching. juz gonna drive maeself head long and do e damn ting. yes. onwards.

2007-04-21T01:44:00.000-07:00

damn tired. mae legs are completely destoyed.

yesterday for odac had to bring down massive backpack. filled up to brim with 12 1.5 liter watter bottles. total weight = 18.sumting sumting kg. yea not VERY accurate. but wad the hell la. anyway yea. filled it up. very heavy. felt like mae back wuz getting torn in half. lol... but tk god fer the waist strap... XD hu eva invented it is a god damned genius. haha. it took off at least 70% off the weight... so mae shoulder didnt drop off. heh heh. lol.

hikes out of skool at 3 plus. not too late la. so hike hike...hike out to balestier road, turn into jln datoh. cross overhead bridge down to toa payoh e hdb flats dere. located 2 buildings. one 40 storeys. one 30 storeys. split into 2 teams. everything ready. training begin. climb.

can die. injured my IBT running 2.4 earlier in the day. so fucking pissed off with myself. i trained moderately hard and i got injured running mae standard. shits. so now ibt strain on both legs. can die. so climb up first 40 wuz damn torturous. but i had the encouragement of frenz to push me along. den i could almost hear fi's voice ringing in mae ears. :D so touching huh? den sry hor.. my ear itchy had to scratch. den e voice disappeared. o.O whoops. so first 40 over. me and shiyu take lift down cause knees cannot tahan e descent. sure wear out de. so lift. lift oso half way nearly cannot tahan us sia... e cables all straining. haha. whining away. oh and ya. shiyu can bitch like 10 whiny gals. bleddy amazing. everything oso want complain. bag heavy la... mr lim is a bastad la... zha zha zha... and so on and so forth. wadeva. ahha.

nxt 30. nearyly bui tahan. but did it. tks daniel man. :D super man sia... so much energy to climb and encourage and sing song... sing odac song oso half way forget lyrics.. o.O k. nvm. haha. 30 over. nother 40. nearly wanted to give up. but pushed on with kannan and help of daniel. and agatha oso. so push. PUSH sia. leg like gonna break. halfway pop again. but dun care push. cannot oso muz can, cause cannot oso muz can. and in the end? cannot? nonsense. cannot become can. :D i did total 110 storeys. and im proud. yea daniel. u were right. i would be proud. and i am. im getting dere.

2007-04-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

wa horrid. today run 2.4 kena migraine... hais. horribly weak man.. but now i noe why. i lack sugar+water. nvm. easy prob to fix.. get ready sia mr lim... a runner coming through. :P heh heh yea rite.

ok. studies coming round in a positive way. finally. i TINK i managed to get e hang of my geog answering scheme. mayb not. depends on mae essay la. but funni feeling dat i actually bungled it. maths is.. more or less.. ok la. juz need revision and practice. lit is doing fine. more analysis needed but im fine with dat, used to it liao. and erm.. lets see.. yea. econs is ok as usual. fer now. but i predict shit to come. and gp. ah. gp. bungled dis one. recent CA wuz screwed up. according to ms oei, whole class failed. so yea. disppointed. dere goes chances of doing KI. but hey. wadeva. i juz need to keep mae chin up and pump in more effort. yea. :P

hmmm... longo time nver break liao.. mae reflexes hav slowed. hais. tried doing mae usual routine. horrible failure. legs juz got tangled up and arm not flexible enuf anymore. so disppointed. all dat hope fer shits. hmm.. no time luh..

ah. bball dis morning with shi yu. :( wad the hell. 0 to 11. cock up playing lah. damn tough. but im almost dere. i juz need to look at e way he plays again. den i can crack his pattern. he plays well, LOOKS complicated. BUT. juz hav to see e pattern to noe dat he does e SAME ting all over again. juz hav to break his rhythm. haha... easier said den done.. but well. patterns are wad i can see. :P

hais. k la. slp liao. i got nth much to sae.. or.. mayb.. k la. drop dis one in. empty mae brain b4 bed.

the screech of gulls above
tears the fabric of my disorientation
in bewilderment i gaze
at the roiling waves ahead
on a beach of basalt

the sky above glows a sickly purple
the air is filled with the sweet-bitter smell of kelp
unwillingly wafting into my tortured nostrils
that have smelt so long the stench of fear
a respite

grains of darkness sting my feet
but waves of foam lap up to sooth it
pain. and it's disappearence.
all makes for an intriguing experience.
albeit a tortured one

and now. my vision passes
into the troubled dunes of my mind
lost in the sandstorm
that consciousness ignites
light bursts from slitted eyelids

and i forget. for a while.

dis is a conceptually new poem im trying. new imagery and devices. check it out.

2007-04-13T06:51:00.000-07:00

finally get a chance to post sum ting again. :D cant use e com so often luh. muz do constant studying.. hais. exams are realli round e corner. i realli need to get all mae subjs under my tight as hell belt. IN particular geog and lit now. gp not so bad.. maths.. maths ah.. dat one sure die la so no worries. o.O hais.. morrow oso got e stupid reach cambridge test ting WHICH im not ACTUALLY supposed to go for. damn fucking irritated la. hais. but i should be proud of the fact that e teachers chose me though (for wadeva) reason.. hais. oh and yea. i failed mae ODAC knowledge test. and the 2.4. ARGH, im so discouraged by every damn ting la.. and dis stupid test ting is probably gonna kill me furthur... i mean. i hav nth to study on! o.O where e fuck are the notes? shit la.. sure fail like shit. and disappoint teachers. shit la.

oh and yes. ive completely done sum ting which is biting on mae self conscience as well as mae self respect. e fact that i didnt run to caldecott wit mae fellow odacers EVEN though i know jolly well i could survive dat run at DAT pace even if i have half a ton of mucus stuck up mae nostrils. i noe i can. but why didnt i do it? lazy wad. not proactive wad. not extra wad. not man wad. no courage wad. chao ji ham ji to e core la. fuck im realli detesting myself. such behaviour i cant tolerate in me. why so FUCKING HAM JI?!

ok. cannot tahan. i need to rest. my legs are kiling me. bitch bout myself another time. shit. peace.

2007-04-10T01:59:00.000-07:00

wa lao. ODAC is reali takin it's time lol. i mean, e selection wuz supposed to be... erm.. i tink monday? but till now (tuesday), it's like.. still not out? o.O mayb im juz being kan cheong. but cant help it la. i want odac so bad. hais.. muz put in more extra sia. haha... yea. gotta tink up of more questions to post on board.. haha. like philosphy? :P

yay. finished off some work.. got some more. but at least e pile is more or less under control.. woot. finally. not so stress liao. oh yea. big news. dere is dis reach cambridge ting going on in skool fer several subjs. it's like.. erm. how to sae. dey kinda send u to cambridge to experience lectures etc la. haha. but still hav to undergo selection. dey asked us once during a lecture and hey hey. guess wad. no one interested. typical typical. but teachers are smart, as ive recently discovered. haha. dey had a list of ppl dey wanted to tryout fer a test on saturday. o.O at 8 in e freakin morning. like 1.5 hours. crazy. and whoo. i got chosen. onli one in my class to kena. o.o. not fun sia... but hey. why not? mayb i'll get to go to cambridge. :D heh heh

argh. midyears comin soon.. fer both GP and maths.. beta study hard and clear em both. GP is a worrying factor for me sia. very diff format from ss.. but i suppose once i find some similarities.. mayb can hav success? :P i hav half a mind to ask mr tan to help me out. ms oei, no matter how hard she tries, realli CMI sia. but... mayb give her chance? haha. let her mark mae recent essay and see how.. haha. LOL. im damn mean. but i cant help it. it's a mean world. and wen the world's mean, the mean exist. because to exist, dey need to be mean. make sense? haha.

whew. so sian now.. gonna chow down on some, ... well.. chow. :P haha. senseless. peace. :P

2007-04-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

k. poem time.

anxiety makes a nest in my heart
boring through
to the other side
erupting in decandent splendour

i walk about with a stilled face
smile when im asked to
frown when it's time to
but the pain blossoms

like an ache
from heart to chest
from chest to body
i burst with it

and now im bleeding
but im not crying
im laughing
and im running all the way

hmm. i like dis one. it's a long long time since i wrote poem. so dis is like a return from retirement. :P hha!

2007-04-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

long time no post. so decided to pull out sum time to write sum ting. musn't let dis site gather dust eh? talking bout time.. ive gotta realli plan sum time management. honestly speaking. economics talks bout scarcity of resources. i hav scarcity of TIME sia.. mayb can use econs to solve mae prob.. :P yea. but truly. im realli bogged down with a whole load of stuff la. i've got work dats piling up. PW is giving me headaches ( i hate projects ). yea... e fact dat im not confirmed in ODAC yet is oso stressing me out. i'd realli want to get in dere. but if i cant i gotta realli move on and find another alternative. sucks... but currently 5 day a week training. moreover i hav to study for knowledge test on wed. 2.4 test morrow and wed. i tink i'll fuck it. pull up test is e onli one i hav no prob with... shit la. worrying factors dat cause early signs of balding..

whew. gotta learn to keep mae sats free. i'll DIE if i dun go to mass fer one week.. it's mae onli respite from this tidalwave.. gosh... need to meditate more often. :P yes. i meditate. haha. im veri confused over work and stuff.. need to get promoted. cannot get retained. mayb e onli way to it is to let it become an obsession? hais. i dunno. see how

i gtg. slp. morrow morning run and 2.4. wish me luck.

2007-03-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

okey... tag replies.

jerome-ffyona: :DD loves u too ya! haha.. yea man. muz meet up more often. or wen we hav e chance.. lol.. i wanna play BBALL!! :D haha... kk. dun ferget to study ya? keep going strong. WHOO!

jerome-GWEN: yes yes. i agree. :P hope i dun get kicked out or anything.. gosh. deir clearing out all e ppl hu CMI. die la.. how.. muz WAKE UP MY IDEA. :D ha. tc.

jerome-valerie: updated dear! haha... lol. blur la u.. :P but i tink ive eva walke into e wrong car b4.. so haha! :D see u in church more ya? -hugs.

k. dats done. whew. legs still sore from odac. :D but im happy. sucky thing is deir starting to clear out all the CMI ppl. like wad i said above la. muz realli wake my idea. i love dis cca and im gonna fight to stay in it. so im gonna run faster and longer. dats how much i want it. pain? no pain no gain. but i dun feel no pain. NO SWEAT sia... ahha. my idea is waking up. :D waha.

ooooh yea. e j2s organized sum obstacle course thing fer us.. hmm. we're supposed to do dunno how many laps round e skool... i tink one anyway. den got parellel bar.. monkey bar... aaaaand... suicide window den wall. :P haha. sounds easy? well it aint. fer one... the run takes up sum of ur strength.. one lap round e skool? ok la. still can tahan. problem. gotta run up e slope to e obstacle course itself. whoops. where did all mae strength go? :P haha.. gone like the wind.. parellel bar still can tahan.. but wa lao.. e monkey bar.. CRAZY sia. dat is no monkey bar! it's a god damned battle dome! shit.. e bar is oso damn slippery. -.- sweaty palms ya. haha. k. e suicide window is damn FUN> :D heh hhe. showing off me knockers to e world! haha... but it wuz fun la. wall? no sweat no sweat. been playing on dat kinda wall since pri skool. sun bathing. o.O" hha. strange. anyway... proud of meself. :D i couldn't handle e monkey bar during prac. always fell off on 3rd bar.. sian man. but during e course itself, i pushed and cleared it! :D heh heh. power sia. happiness.

sian. k now i gtg eat. strange post yes? yes. write more nother time.. new poems! :D peace.

2007-03-22T02:50:00.001-07:00

whew. havent had the time to blog in SUCH a long time.. gosh. ha. sry la. e schedule fer skool now is pretty hectic.. keeping me EXTREMELY busy... even now im printing out maths notes from the first 3 mnths dat i missed. page after page after page. SIAN. gotta bring it down to class to share. let em photocopy and spread. haha. at least we're all a lil more bonded. :P first few days kinda sucked cause it wuz so quiet. now lotsa beta. at least we're talking and we roughly noe each other's names. i tink. o.O

ladeda. i joined odac. yes yes. ppl are gonna tell me im gonna die blah blah blah. but shits man. i join liao. wad to do. :D heh heh. first day... which wuz yesterday... 10 KM RUN!!! ....

thos hu noe me NOE im not a runner person.. but hey. situations arise. and man adapts ya? so i went fer it as best i could.. but still couldnt complete.. ended up busting mae knee. o.O complete bout a lil more den half. hais.. disapointed. im weak. but i'll unweak (such a word? o.O) myself by trying harder! :D waha!

hmm. studies. scary. i noe i'll fuck everything up if i dun start studying now. which is wad im TRYING to do. gosh. i hope i get myself going early sia... not good to lag. i noe wad happens. hais. sian. trying to awaken mae flame ya noe? geog is scary. econs is scarier. lit is... interesting. :P but still scary. ha!

man. my bballing is SLIGHTLY beta onli. dribbling wise im still fumbling. and im panicking... gotta get mae idea rite.. and all.. yea. hais. but at least im scoring sum baskets. not like last time.. whole day facilitate passing... lousy sia.. anyway.. mae hands are itching BADLY. i need to break. o.O and soon... so shitting lethargic. of course. gotta wait fer mae knee to recover. aw man...

k reply tags nxt time ya? super busy. a shout out to val. :D hey girl!! haha. and fi. see ya friday ya?

peace

2007-03-16T04:27:00.001-07:00

no longer looking down
no longer blinded by the dust
kicked up from the passage of others
no longer trampled
like the dirt under my feet
no longer railed at
by the badgering crows of life.

no longer despondent.
no longer morbid.
no longer grim
no longer weary
no longer shivering
from the lack of you

new life.
new strength
new me

i will walk because i can
i will talk because i can
i will laugh because i can
i will dance because i can

the memory of you lives on in me
not as chains on my soul
dragging me to the depths of despair
but as the wind under my wings
the strength in my limbs
pushing me foward
your running alongside me
i don't need to look.

i know your there
i feel you there

silent encouragement
we'll run together
and we'll never stop

let's go.

2007-03-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

ok. replay to tags. cause of my tiny lil tagboard which makes replying a real bitch. XD

jerome-valerie: heh heh... XD bet those ppl behind were scowling like nuts. wahaha!! ya u did! nvm.. nxt time i shall remind u.. lol. random manda.

jerome-ffyona: hey tu di! kinky like anything.. :D haha.. miss u too ya? damn sian im stuck at home now like under house arrest. o.O sian sian. hope to hav a game of bball soon ya? whoo!

jerome-Gwen: yea. it's true. but down that dusty road we'll find more gold. :D look up not down ya?

jerome-liwen: o.O" tyco shots.. wazat? ... -flips Dummy's Guide to Basketball- diao dun hav leh.. show me show me.. look pro or not ah? i oso wanna learn sia.. :P

jerome-joyce: yea.. like i replied Gwen 2 tags above dis one. we;ll hav to keep looking ahead and be optimistic. like me! im stuck at home. alone. having a conversation with my shadow and me. but im positive! for one thing i now noe mae shadow enjoys english earl grey tea and it's lactose intolerant. kinda like an abstract jared. ... o.O"

jerome-GrinReaper: HEY DUDE!! :D haha... lol.

k. replies complete. XD i always get a kick out of doing this. k. as u can all probably tell.. im stuck at home again.. looking after mae mom cause she's ill. im not realli pissed. juz bored.. but consolation. mae bro is going off fer camp tonight till sunday. :D oh yea. e ps2 is mine! fer 2 days at least.. wahahaha.. haa. hais... but im still kinda missing A3 a lil. wonder wad dey're doin.. im hestiating to msg any of em cause i dun wanna interrupt e fun... :( oh well. dere's a bright side of life. and it's name is morphin in the form of biscuits. :D hash crackers u can call em. wahaha!

hais. juz got news dat windi is withdrawing from cj.. sadness... wads e even worse part? o.O e guy population in our class juz dropped... so now it's 4 to.. how many girls? 20 over? o.O it's a gangbang sia... LOL. hmm. shucks. a reminder. ive still got maths hw to do. :P waha. i need fan zhi's help on dis.. gosh. it's all amaths AGAIn. sian. ARGH. hope i can get into e bball team.. plz give me good news.. argh.. *prays prays

oh yesh. went to shawn's place with fan zhi.. erm.. wen? 3 days ago? XD mae blogging is strange one. no fixed order.haha. so like we went dere.. played ball and stuff. realli shits. i KNEW i shud hav worn mae balling pants. at e end of it? i hav a pair of pants dat looks like i juz had a piss on. honest. disgusting.. it's stil in mae bag. rotting. o.O orh crap. *runs*

...
...
...
...

*runs back* kae done. chucked e moldy ting into e wash. :P im so unhygenic la... gosh. hands itching like mad.. dying to break again.. need to noe more freeze.. wanna try kicks. :D waha. sadly injured mae arm on an attempted one hand airbaby. shucks la... hais. so anyway met jaz at shawn's place.. haha! so weird luh... i knew it wuz her wen i saw dis fuzzy black ting bouncing on the wall.. dat wuz actually her jumping to see hu wuz at the court. :P LOL. nth to sae nth to sae... so like stoned at shawn's court b4 proceeding to stone SOMEMORE at his place.. haha! like sum sorta htel or wad. sry man... yea. played pool at jaz's place! XD i suck. dere wuz dis kid at the lounge making a hell lot of noise.. completely pissed fan zhi off. gosh. u nver eva want to see fan zhi pissed off... he shouts like... whoa. yea? haha... seen him throw furniture about.. so not fun ya? a shout out to all irritants out dere.

k... hands are tired.. gonna go chat with val fer a while. and den? :D LOTR time... longo nver play play... ooooh.. peace.

2007-03-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

morning. maths lecture. o.O" wa buay tahan man. beta start waking up my idea. haha. i gotta get mae adrenaline pumping fer the 2 years prep fer A's!! haha. like wad dennis koh said wen i nearly kena retained. cannot do things half way. start, muz hav finish. no finish, means not man. WHOO. inspiration or wad hhuh? haha... LOL. yea. actually, truth be told, i wuz glad to drag mae ass out of bed for sum ting. honestly. after A3, all the joy in the little things of life seem blown away. cause i had the big one fer a while. hmm. yea. so. new chapter. new page. new... underwear? :D yea... haha.

so... yea. bus. walk. stone listening to mp3. like a zombie. yea. e living dead. im so gonna write a poem bout dis... oooh yea. inspiration slapped me twice and farted in my face, so i cant possibly ignore it now can i? ahaha... e bus journey wuz... inextraordinary. yea. i tink dats e right term. if not, god bless me, i dun deserve that A in eng. walked up to the usual side gate. locked. oh tks a lot. so walked on to the main gate. walk? nothing special so far. went over the whole place to find freaking lt 4. found it. stoned outside it. im alone. ok. so? im fine. ive got mae shadow waving at me. -waves back frantically

teacher comes. old person. whoo. great. ok. time to sidetrack.

>>>>>>>SATURDAY>>>>>>
waha. had mass with the gang... haha. val and manda were cam whoring.. lol... i tell you one day.. that flash function u find so handy in the dark is gonna go off.. :D whoo.... *sings the lemon tree song.

haha... yea. james has flu. leaking nose like the Grand Canyon or sum ting. haha. leak. leak. leak. leak. leak. ooooooooooooooooooze. ... eww. den.. sniff sniff. haa. ridiculous.

i need more mass. couldnt pay attention to father cause mae attention wuz on val.. :D ahaha!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

k. back to monotonity. whoo. maths lecture. 1 hr. best lecture of mae life? why? cause it's short. no bullshit.. mmm. mae kind of thing.. sat nxt to clarance and windie. lol. had to copy down syllabus rite? haha. by the time clarance got his notebook out. poof. transparency gone. :D i noe i noe. it's LAME but hey? i gotta hav laughs.

rest of day is nth special. ive got another emo poem though. i tink it's emo. but i tink it's more of morbidity. and confusion. and eccentricity. waadeva mae essence possesses at dis time.

grey skin
matching the greyness of the day
and the greyness of his soul
all stuck on this one way train
going god knows where

the in between once more
the neutral
the middleman
between the black abyss
and the glaring white of heaven

lost in transit
like baggage
without purpose
motive
goal

his eccentricity scares
he can see the fear in their eyes
as they try to politely run away
it's ok.
he doesn't know.

or maybe, he doesn't care?

we'll never know.

2007-03-09T19:45:00.001-08:00

gosh. blogging twice in a day. what a sin. ahaha. anyway. i cant sae much. i noe im supposed to post sum ting fer fi to read but... i havent had the chance to properly tink bout it.. so it'll come out bad if i try now. instead... here's a piece of work im doing on the spot. mae latest after so long.

the dust covered pen.
the yellowed page.
the dying embers
of a once raging bonfire
a painful past,
living in multidinuos colours

a shudder
a twitch.
the pen flicks off the coating of history
flaring with new life
ressurrection
shaking off it's immobility

the blank yellow page
smelling of mold
now bears the burden of words
an immaterial idea made physical
a sacred transformation
of the in-between

tears wash the page's suffering away
as words dig at memories
once thought healed.
picking at the scabs
drawing fresh blood
that obscenely pools in abundance

it's weird. havent written in a while..

2007-03-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

ok. mae tagbox.. is tiny. :P so i shall reply over here.

jerome-ffyona: yea u kinky bugger.. :P haha. tks! im feeling. .. .. old. haha. cheers!

jerome-GWEN: tks ya! haha.. sry. i shall try to stop writing so emo liao. haha!

jerome-joyce: tks joy joy!! :D haha...

jerome-MEL: tks yo! haa. EX-marist. XD

jerome-Bboy Mark: yo guy. sry. r u tagging bout e post where i wuz bitching bout mae parents? cause in dat post i wuz referring to my parents' point of view. bboying, as i understand it, is an art in motion. and contrary to other peoples' preconceived notions, it's not that dangerous. sprain wrists are as about as dangerous as it gets anyway. but hey! i appreciate u taggin. tks man. and yea. i met up with a bboy in cj. used to be in e same sec skool as me. peace yo.

2007-03-07T04:40:00.000-08:00

first day at cjc today. ya noe? i really find their layout fer the bus stop damn cool? haha. it's like right outside the campus on dis private lane. :P call me old fashioned or easily satisfied or wadeva. but yea. hmm. easy ride dere. straight bus. saw shawn and fan zhi in e morning too. gosh. wish we were in the same place. but yea. too bad.. 153 came. crowded like anything. onli 1 person could find space to board. so yea.. i let it go. 10 mins later 105 came toddling by. not too bad. 2 ppl could board. XD lameness.

i thought i might feel sum excitement of the unknown. sum under current of fear even. nth. didnt feel a damn ting. hmm. strange. still pondering bout it. mayb burnt out of me? i dunno. wuz kinda numb and very logical bout it all. yea. didnt care dat most ppl dere were probably not marists and probably ppl i wouldnt now anyway. yea. true enuf. small percentage of marists. big group of unknown dudes and dudesses. scared yet? nope. not yet.

ok. typical stuff la. all gather into hall. seperated from familiar classmates and ex classmates and schoolmates. k. isolated with a bunch of ppl hu seem to noe each other. ok. daunted? not even close. national anthem. sing sing sing. k. done. finito. wads nxt?

course talk.

o.O"""" I WANT MY MUMMY!!!!

haha. yea. dat wuz the WORSE course talk in mae whole life! fer sum reason mae muscles were all aching up. butt not helping. couldnt stand properly fer a while.. :P muz be getting old. haha! lol. so yea. den after dat had sum group thingy. e group leader, dis j2 called.. erm.. wads his name? oh yea jason. yea! funni guy man. realli nice. from SJI apparently. nver heard of a guy from SJI swearing like a drunken sailor in the middle of a night with a whisky bottle shoved up his behind. but hey! :D dere's a first fer everything.

anyway yea. ppl dere (JAE) were quite ok. but. sad. everywhere i look i can see traces of A3. i thought i heard guanlin screaming. gwen calling. albert's hair on a diff guy's head. nj's back. track girls remind me of fi and li. oh fuck... im going crazy with pain.

yea. morrow i finish at 8. beta rest up and stuff. im going crazy yo. peace.

2007-03-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

im shitted. cant go jared's house. cant even see A3 fer e last time. cant cry to let it out. it's all juz stuck inside. burning me up. can u see the smoke coming out of my ears? dats wads left of mae soul. charred and burnt. a by product of a happy time. guess i hav to sae goodbye rite here. cant do it anywhere else. im supposed to hav mae priorities else where. oh well. juz another scar on me. it'll make me stronger wun it? yes. it will.

but im still missing you guys. bye. for now.

2007-03-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

blogging twice in a day. o.O" this is bad. means im bored stupid. ha. anyhow.. yea. shawn came by. i said rite? yea. went down to prac.

ugliest air freeze in the world. and i juz found out mae swipe is bad. talk bout a bad day.

2007-03-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

another boring day. feeling a bit down la. supposed to hav dinner with A3 today at taka. seoul garden and stuff. but father wun let.. hais. guess i'll meet up with em morrow at jared's? hope i can go la. o.O" gosh. my hand itchy like crazy man! seriously need to play ball soon or i may wake up to find my hands rotting on e floor or sum ting. haha. gosh.. bouncing ball in house now. i noe it's inconsiderate. i noe it's rude. but i dun care. whoo. the rebel without a cause.

shawn is over to keep me company. haha. preciate it lol.. later going down to break a bit. dance off the pressure. haha... so sian of being cooped up at home all day.. gotta do sum ting. quick. well anyway. rite now he's gettin his ass trashed by mae bro on nba. o.O" looks like another 100 to 0 kinda score. mae bro is home too. SUPPOSED to be sick.. but hey? he's not. :D haha. lil devil.

HAHA. finally got mae new fone! :D awesomeness... W810I. wasnt e one i initially wanted though.. wanted to go with the W850I. but dat damn ting wasnt in stock, and it cost 388. wen it wuz FINALLY in stock, it sprouted up to 428. o.O" fuckers. lousy asses.. but ya la. technically e same fones, cept if i went with the 850i, i'd hav to pay bout.. wad? 200 bucks? juz fer e extra 3G. yea.. not worth it la. i dun even hav ANY use fer 3G. but anyway.. walkman fone here. so... :D perfect fer a bboy like me. haha.

sian.. gotta do house chores. hmm.. mayb i shud ask bert to come over and help? :) onli guy i noe hu actively does house chores.. pro moppers! and we can come up with a moppers society or sum ting. ladeda. im kinda rambling away here.. mad with confinement. haha. oh yea. joy joy showed me a poem she wrote last nite. im not sure if she wrote it last nite. but she showed it to me last nite online anyway. ahah. :D nice go joy.. realli nice poem. it had repetition and stuff and all e regular devices.. and i can feel some emotion in it. :D so yea. ... hais. im stil too gloomy to write anything decent. ppl tell me it's decent. but it's still morbid and stuff. bout emo closed windows and doors with light behind and all dat repetitive shit. o.O" dats e aspect of poem writing i fear e most. see. to write a poem, u need 2 things. well, as i see it anyway. yea. u need 1. A perspective/point of view. and 2. emotions. u need to be very emotive in particular to write good poems.. the mindset shud be sum ting like.. erm... i wrote it. and i stand by it. sum ting like dat. it's a twisted pride in wad u do in short. haha. yea.. anyway.. since im a bit traumatised from switching collegs and new lifestyle, mae poems reflect mae mood. yea.. so the degree of morbidness in mae poems reflect how moody i realli am. :D im still smiling though. sum tings wrong with me.

kk. im off to cuddle mae new fone and trash shawn at nba too. trashing. try 200-0 sorta score. :D peace.

2007-02-28T21:13:00.001-08:00

ah.. finally changed mae blogskin. :D haha. dis one is darker. more me.. AND it's less vulgar. haha. e last one wuz absolute nonsense. rubbish. dis one even has a POEM?! haha. but it's not mine. damn. :P am still trying to figure out how to add one of my own up dere instead.. literally flipping sideways trying to use Gimp. the alternative application to photoshop. whoo... it's good. juz too advanced fer me to figure out immediately.

mae father banned me from going to MI. his way of going about it was that he didnt want me to be in the company of those hu couldnt study and dat i should hang out with smarter ppl so mae grades wud improve.

*pause

imagine how pissed i was. can't? let me help. a LOT of shouting. i mean. ur insulting my frenz. frenz hu can seemingly understand more of me than you ever could. sure.. dey dun shelter me. dey dun provide for me. but dey are beneficial to my very existence, enriching in their presence. yea. i mentioned dis a few posts back, dat leaving these frens behind is hard for me. why am i crying u ask? im ripped in 2 dats why. tks a lot.

oh and guess wad readers? im banned from bball as well. ok. first the breakdancing. now the bball. .... .... the breakdancing i understand. it's dangerous blah blah blah. break neck blah bones blah back blah paralyze blah.. yea yea. i noe. it's ranted all over the place. but the bball?! cmon. hu has actually broked an arm over bball? a leg? and if i do have a tendency to break stuff i wud like to sae that it wuz YOU hu gave me the deficiency in the first place. so am i supposed to live mae life in seeming confinement for your natural faults which u passed on to me? hmm? u muz understand that to me, a life without moving is not a life worth living. im passionate about bboying because it's the language of movement. it has a meaning that can be interpreted. the bball? i like bball cause i worked hard to be good at it. i sucked honestly. but i trained up to be a decent baller. and now here u come. strolling in. and ur gonna try and take away everything im passionate about? not a chance. if im realli passionate about it, no one in heaven or hell or God's green Earth is gonna snatch it from me. NOTE. there are no vulgarities. no swearing. im not angry. im just wishing you could TRY to understand me.

yea... im not actually emoing. im very philosophical today. a first fer me. ... gosh. im missing A3 more den eva... last nite was worse. it wuz realli burning me up inside.. how i'd nver meet gwen mal and nige on the train platform.. our daily talks on everything under the sun.. going to the skool canteen. feeling glad to see the class... more talk. more jokes. laughing. assembly. making fun of the teachers. more laughing. singing the stupid MI song. ( i nver realli did sing it though. utterly refused to.) the classes. the bball. the badminton. the soccer. juz plain being there with everyone. and when i leave for home, i can replay everything in my head as i plug into mae mp3.. and it'll make me smile. god.. it's burning again. hai. im gonna go dance it off. i can douse it out... honestly. im still cold enuf to do dat. im juz not enthusiastic bout doing it.

and that's why. peace out.

2007-02-23T00:52:00.002-08:00

2007-02-23T00:52:00.001-08:00

whoo.. havent blogged in a while.. :P lazy la... k. went back to skool today. so completely fun la. missed the ppl and the place and the whole lifestyle.. hard to switch lol. yea.. oh and finally got mae shirt!! :D

whoo! nice? NICE! yea. haha.

skipped econs and lit, last 2 periods of the day. wasnt feeling veri rite. should not hav freaking played bball after pe... nearly killed myself lol... couldnt breathe rite and hands and everything vibrating like an osim chair.. yessh. so weak. den i bought a plate of nasi padang, and HEY PRESTO!! instant cure.. haha... :D awesome. guess i wuz juz hungry or wad la. haha! but skipped anyway. went gallivanting wit mal gwen and jaz at j8. haha. so near home. so convenient. :D so like walk walk walk... and yak a lot.. fun. relaxed fun.. ahha. u probably dun understand wads dat bout... but yea.. haha. den took neoprints. o.O" even though i SWORE id nver step in dat.. *shudder* pink place again.. god.. but it wuz ok la. took sum... weird.. pics.. haha!! i wish i had a scanenr so i could get em here.. hmm.. mayb can grab from gwen's blog later.. :P cost me 2.50. yea. a lunch. ahah..

k. im off to rest up. got a bball game on mon.. gotta be in tip top shape fer dat.. haha. peace. :D

2007-02-20T18:54:00.000-08:00

argh... sian man... totally flayed out. sick again.. unbelievable. sucks.. stuck at home totally cooped in.. o.O *claustrophobic* haha.. tried to break juz now. but guess im too sick to even hold the baby freeze fer long.. ooh... stomach ache.. gosh. weak. hate dat.

ah.. val wuz saying dat mol's son is a bboy too.. but e really scary ting is dat he knew how to 1990 from sec 1-2. o.O" oookae.. he dun need study ah. u need constant practice juz to do dat sia.. i cant even do it.. embarrassment. ... if onli i had enuf time.. everyday go raffles place break like a mad man.. sure can enter in e nxt floorskillz whereva in SEA it is. hais. dreaming.

miss A3. supposed to see em today.. AND get the awesome class shirt. :D oooh... i hear it's 20 bucks well spent. haha.. hope so la...

here's A3.. :( man. ... i hate being sick.

k la. im gonna give val a call now.. :D peace.

2007-02-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

HAPPY CNY everyone!! :D whoo. it's a good one dis year. had quite a good haul. mayb now i can finally pay off all mae lunch debts huh? whoo... jared. 5 bucks. i owe u still. plz come question me bout it.. i ferget easily. lolz... anyway yea.. didnt go to MI on Friday. ... heart pain sia. missed A3 horribly. argued with parents over it again. hais. more headache sia.. anyway. went back to mshs to visit e teachers.. mr low has been discharged from icu and is at home resting. tk god. i mean, scaffolding right? heavy logs and stuff right? shits man... lucky e poor dude is ok and well. wei bin sae he's at home cracking jokes. ... ... dats not too bad huh?

yea.. went to play ball after dat. with.. erm... ah... wait. i hav a very powerful and exceptional memory, capable of storing massive amounts of information. problem? it doesn't last very long. rite. erm. yea. went with shiyu, zy, winson, wei bin and kf. part of the old gang la. same place joo seng... whoo... i played my first REAL game sia... massive improvement. finally wun teo suan like free liao.. haha. awesome. den went fer lunch at new market. bloody ex food. 2 plus fer e skinny bit of otah and sum noodles. yeesh.

sat. ... wad i do? ... oh yea. cooked. or helped rather. whipped up a massive feast fer mae unc, aunt and grandmom. ... on mae dad's side. yea.. massive stuff. woke up at bout.. 8 plus? yea. lasted e whole day... gosh. i wuz completely shagged out to the bottom of my butt sia. literaly stood up the whole day. ANYWAY. plus side. :D installed ps2 into mae room. sure.. the tv is kinda pathetic, but hey! at least it's sum ting.. like late night gaming dats wad it is. :D waha.

sun. today. yea. err. visiting relatives.. all over s'pore and i tink i might be coming down with sum flu or sum ting... shit. o.O" supposed to play bball on wed. or badminton.. guan lin asked fer dat instead of bball... looks like i gotta adhere to the masses. :P haha. consider consider. nuts.. n i juz got a msg from nick saying to bring pe uni on wed.. orh... hope im not dead and dying on dat day.

right need to chabo off. shagged. playing late nite NBA. :D haha. peace.

p.s. read my poem to dat special sum one. :D:D hope u liked it.

2007-02-15T04:20:00.000-08:00

im having a very extreme day today. VERY extreme. in the sense that there's extreme good and extreme bad. yea... both giving me extreme joy and extreme frustration, bordering on re-initiating that pent up anger.

the GOOD. class wuz 'celebrating' valentine's today.. haha. i felt so bad, and kinda left out la. i mean EVERYONE wuz exchanging gifts. but i had no cash.. so yea. too bad la. wa lao... yana wuz nice enuf to give EVERYONE a lil sum ting of deir own... :( feel damn bad. cause i realli didnt get any of dem anything... all i had wuz poem i wrote the night b4.. i realli felt guilty fer not bringing anything at all la. so i wrote one that included the whole class. juz reading the bloody thing makes me moody la. i'll explain bout dat later. i spent most of the breaks shooting hoops to keep my mind off things. tk god my blister didnt' crack and tear again. o.O" eww. haha. it wuz realli stinging like mad e past few days... at least now it's beginning to heal.. finally. haha. couldn't dribble properly for fear of opening the wound. but i tink i did kinda well. learnt a couple of new moves AND improved on dat turn ive been recently trying to grasp. :D whoo. pro sia... nxt time can try and take on shi yu.. haha. layups r improving drastically... shots? still kinda shitty.. nth a lil prac and time cant fix. haha. oh yea.. finally got mae beanie! :D wahaha.. awesome.. now i'll be able to break with head protection! haha. safe breaking. o.O if it's actually considered safe.

k. the BAD. my parents are pressuring me to stop gng to MI. dey are INSISTING dat it is COMPLETELY not important now dat i can go to cj. pissing off completely. i mean. it's not freakin completely useless la. it's still the god damn SAME syllabus. and im not completely wasting time at all. fuck i learn alright. i've already fucking proven that im not intellectually challenged by performing fucking FAR up the bar dat u had set. the standard of a retard if i guessed rite. i noe u ppl tink im sum sorta shithead without his prorities rite and dat im probably semi retarded. yea? well u can juz look the other way cause im FUCKING NOT. alrite? AL-FUCKING-RITE? 14 points fer o's is a feat. u gonna keep comparing me to mae god sis? check dis out. same pnts ok. SAME. and PRIORITIES? dun even tink bout taunting me to stay on in MI k? dat will really piss me to no end. let me sae dis. i hav my head screwed on right ok? i KNOW dat studying in MI wun get me anywhere. i noe all the shit b4 u can EVEN tink it. i noe. i stuck to mae choice. cjc. i wanted it. i still want it. no change. but u juz hav to PUSH PUSH PUSH. U R MAKING ME PAY FOR YOUR INSECURITIES. im sick of it. so sick. stop pushing me plz.. im begging u. plz. i noe. i'll let go. juz dun tear me into 2 like dis. plz. it's SO FUCKING hard to let go of my classmates. it hurts. and you're not helping. i dun tink u'd realli now wud u? as usual. fine. keep pushing. im not even sure wad i'd do. so go ahead. i might juz freak out and kill both of u and my brother or sum ting. or jump out the window, cut myself again. step in front of a car. or worse. retreat. juz run away to my place in MY head. a place dats still mine. u can't screw it up dere. i'll juz close the door on u. no more for me. we'll see.

now wasnt' dat emo or wad? ha. yea. im kinda split in personalities... hais. one happy happy laugh like idiot the other super emo. prob is dese two personalities pop up randomly. ... hais. like i said. we'll see. ... peace.

p.s. sum one actually gave me a banana fer valentine's day. :D whoo!

2007-02-12T04:17:00.001-08:00

3 days hols. :D whoo. cant beat dat man. went shawn's place e whole day.. shoot ball, ps2... everything.. haha. juz finally got to chance to hang out. met up with jlau too. haha. how wud i describe a person such as jonathan lau? hmm. he's a fatty bom bom. not to keen on the salad. :D haha damn bad la. shawn's fault. now it stuck. but i seriously tink dat jlau will prb stick dat on his msn nick. whoo..

hmm. wonder how val's doin with her course choices.. havent msged her e whole day.. mayb i'll juz blow mae limit and msg her la. ... o.O" i've actually managed to, and im not too sure how, blow mae chat limit. yea. outgoing calls? 2 hours plus. ... shit. so shitted. now mae fone bill is gonna hit the fan like shit on a sunday afternoon in the sun. nuts. oh yea. kinda pissed off cause juz wen i can buy a damn fone, it's freakin outta stock. o.O till nxt freaking mnth. dammit la. so putting off la... hais. cockers.

oh well. on the plus side. gng out with 07A3 morrow. :D haha. beta spend more time with em la. as much as possible.. hais. *gloom* it juz comes back to e fact that im leaving so much behind. oh well. ive to make choices. and it is my decision. best ting i can do is live with it and make the best of it. hais. ... i hate decision making. -_-"

2007-02-07T01:17:00.002-08:00

got back O results liao.. whoo... not so bad la. R5 14 R4 9. gosh.. dat wuz damn scary la. i wuz e 2nd last fella to get back the results. so u can tell wad sorta pressure i wuz under.. lol. alan got his first. 18 pnts. he kinda freaked and got happy but he didnt realli noe how much he actually got. o.O" .. rite. and so it goes la. more and more ppl got deirs back. sum freaking and screaming, sum moping and gettin emo on the floor. yea.. james had a mixup. dey told him he got 22 points. he wuz still happy cause he still got into poly. but he got even happier i tink wen dey told him his r5 is actually 16. lol. i wuz freaked out literally wen i heard he had 22. cause our marks r usually in the same range so.. yea. i figured i wuz probably gonna get bout dere la. o.O bad time man... nearly pissed mae damn pants.

quayle didnt help la. juz b4 he did kenneth he took one look at me and said 'jerome! wad can i sae?!' and gave dat SAD SAD look.... ... ... shit. i mean shit. really. i said it outloud. shit. i turned and tol zy shit. (he got 14 too.) shit. yea. so while i wuz 'shitting' away, i tink kenneth got 17. i tink. might be less. so yea. mae time came. i sat my rump down (still mentally shitting), and stared. juz stared. here's a lil skit tingy.

QUAYLE: Jerome! wad can i sae?!

JEROME: ...

QUAYLE: i find dis veri difficult to give dis to u... (puts down result slip)

JEROME:... *quiver

QUAYLE: well...

*long pause (15 counts)

JEROME: *quiver violently

QUAYLE: *looks expectantly* well. you hav an A1 for english and quite decent marks for the others.

*pause (10 counts)

JEROME: huh?

*screaming

well dats bout wad happened la. but more exaggerated if u noe me well. :D haha. yea. here's the breakdown.

eng: A1
chi: B3
Maths: B3
Amaths: C5
Human: B3
Lit: B3
Sci: A1

yea. now im gonna go sit down. not feeling very happy.. church got shit MI oso got shit. church sum tings up i cant sae. but MI i can. i dun wanna leave.. i realli dun. i love the ppl dere so much. but im gonna hav to. too often ive used mae heart to tink. mae brain wants it's job back. i hate mae logic sector.

peace.

2007-02-07T01:17:00.001-08:00

whoa... dis week flew by fast man. o.O" haha. morrow is FRIDAY. e day of reckoning.. hais. im starting to get worried la. yea. felt that i probably screwed up on sum papers. ... shits. OK. tink positive. muz be freakin positve bout dis. im extremely pissed with my mom la.. she wuz freakin out bout how my not being openly freaked out bout morrow means im insanely proud. o.O wtf. i mean, im like TRYING my hardest not to loose mae goddamn head and here u r pounding on the door to my frustration? gosh. sum ppl realli hav no EQ wadsoeva.

skool wuz real standard. apart from the amazing ppl hu hang around la. :D haha. yea... LIT wuz cancelled again! oh yea man.. haha. wuz literally grinning throughout flag-raising. hais. feel damn bad. cause e lit teacher had a fever. ... o.O" sadistic eh? haha. but ya la. it wuz cancelled. WHOO. haha. first period. ... Geog. nth much la.. quite a light lesson. juz searching sum data stuff with haemal and joy-joy. haha. working in groups ma... so search like idiot lor. hmm... den p.e. ... frisbee? okae.. seems a bit doggy la. but quite fun. o.O in a doggy way. :D haaha.

yay. break. econs. (bloody nonsense lesson. juz basically slacking me arse off. :D whee.) den YES. bball time. whooha.

haha. i shall fill u in on dat a bit more morrow. now? i need to meditate. im gonna die if i dun. o.O peace.

2007-02-06T05:13:00.000-08:00

YEA MAN. 3 hrs +++ of break today! haha... lit wuz cancelled, again. haha. i sincerely tink the teacher is pregnant. :D cause fer celebration! ahaha. so.. naturally to make good use of the UBER long break, played bball. solid sia. haha.i've improved overall. :D zy will be proud man. no longer the floundering dead fish on the court. haha.

oookae. im nver eva gonna play ball wit big no.s of gals on e court. EVA. scream and scream and scream... .... ... wa lao. i one ear cannot hear properly liao. mati la.. how to be big time director. :P shucks. haha.. tks sia guan lin. o.O" SCREAMED rite into mae right ear as i neared for my shot. ... ow. it still rings. haha.

after e screaming and scratching (o.O"), we all chilled at canteen.. literally stoned away. haha. den poor hist ppl had to chabo off fer deir lessons... hais. sad. fer dem la. but wadeva. we hav our breaks to console us.. haa. listened to music and sang like nobody's buisness. ... lucky canteen wuz moderately empty! haha. otherwise utter chaos. a singing banana!! XD haha. scary thought sia.

oh yea. b4 i go. morrow dere's gonna be a celebration fer everyone's bdays! :D weird yes i noe. but HEY! u onli get one shot at life. make the best of it and run the track. :D peace.

2007-02-02T05:22:00.000-08:00

i wuz playing bball today. having a really good time... wen the shit hits the fan. k. alvin like comes up to me and confronts me bout me selling him out in lit. e way i put it, u might tink it's sum quiet sensitive kid asking me why wud i hurt his itty weety feelings by doin so.

hur. yea rite.

u can guess the tone now. naturally it didn't go down with me well. so i kinda blew up in his face too. and wad did i get? a threat. "U WATCH OUT." mmmmMMMMM. i love dis. makes me feel alive. i have been fantasising of reali hitting sum one dis entire hol. yea. early bday prez. no more on it sry. im filling too angry. i gotta last e weekend. bummer.

2007-01-30T22:35:00.001-08:00

oh cool. dis is me and gwen. wen switched ties. ahaha. juz messing with dis image upload function. nver knew how to do it. XD TKS VAL!! :D

2007-01-30T21:50:00.000-08:00

wa yesterday damn suay. whole day wuz juz.. LOL. kk. first thing's first. i wanna thank all the members of 07A3 hu helped me out in the process of re-obtaining my racquets. :D tks a lot guys. it realli wuz the best ting dat eva happened in my life. haha

i kinda fergot to check and search fer my collar pin yesterday. so yea. i ALSO fergot to rush down to dat miserable excuse for a bookshop to get a replacement. ($1.50?! WTF) yea. so i sorta freaked.. i mean. i didn't wanna be sent running round the skool like a noob searching fer 10 badges. o.O" gotta admit, creative punishment. sadistic too. so like yea. i freaked last min wen everyone wuz lining up so i borrowed from mal. yea. tot i wuz home free. BIG mistake. cause dis chi teacher, super kaypo like anything, gave me and mal a telling off. ok. fine. but it doesn't end dere. she den proceeded to make a shit of herself by gng up to azlan and pointing out 'the boi hu didn't bring his collarpin and tried to borrow from other ppl'. yupp. she's in my top hit list now. i actually tried borrowing from jaz after e attempt with mal failed. o.O but stupid kaypo shit had to be an 'i'm all morals' sorta efftard and get my ass into e cooker. ... hmmm. dats e bad part la. but i oso realised dat azlan is fair. fairer den dk la anyway. in mshs, my dm wud take any attempt at reasoning as an excuse. but here, azlan realli heard me out and spared me punishment. ... i hav to seriously get used to dis. o.O"

rite. now. me and gwen went and organised a badminton game to make use of e second 1.5 hr break of the day. i mean. it's kinda sian to keep stoning in e canteen all day. honest. so like yea. e precious day i informed a couple of ppl to spread e word. funni. e word muz hav been spread but no one brought pe uni. o.O" ooookae. i wuz like wth la.. juz carry on with the damn thing. wad're the chances of getting caught eh? .... another BIG ass mistake. we were like playing playing playing (got mae manhood destroyed by gwen. but regained a portion of it by playing wit humaira, gwan lin and :D albert. oh yea tim and zai and fiona r good :P) wen azlan and nother fat dude comes scooting along e corridor. coincidence? i dun effing tink so. i tink dose 2 nosy girls on e second floor decided to play "moral-for-the-day" and report us in. sounds familiar? scroll up o.O.

so yea. all 3 of my racquets got cuffed and taken away. yea... i wuz distraught. AHAHA. damn stupid. i wuz like rolling all over the floor with my racquet cover on my head. sum one shud hav taken a shot of it.. XD ahah. but (not sure hu) said dat azlan wud return racquets if e ppl playing in uni mopped hall. now wait. .... .... ... ... class' response?... ... ... ... ... immense. dey all wanted to help and pitch in with such enthusiasm dat wud hav had me bawling with immense emotion had i not been utterly dehydrated. :D tks ppl. so wad SHUD hav been a miserable-several-mins of punishment, we ended up having a class bonding session. :D talk bout e turn to e day. so fun. k. wen i manage to get sum foto's onto e blog i'll show u sum shots. waha. mayb vids? :D

k. i wrote a poem?! *shock shock* haha. and i'm feeling poety today. so i'll juz post it shall i? :D it's bout breakdancing. o.O"

Dark.
Squalid.
Stuck.
Empty.

All and one.
Fill me up to the brim
Up to bursting-point.
Agony.

Then the music starts.
And it's all swept clean away.
Leaving me new and fresh.
I'm ready.

I'm moving.
Driven by the rhythm.
I tentatively explore my boundaries.
And without hesitation

I Break Them.

Peace. :D

2007-01-28T02:51:00.000-08:00

whew. nother long day today. ahaha...i realli got nth to sae sia... but i personally tink, of all mae lessons, MT sucks the best. :D waha. honest. one. teacher is SUPER boring. and old. though dats not realli much of a factor. :P two. e subj itself is originally DULL. three. e teacher cant teach. so yea. no use one... i kena arrow. JARED AND GWEN LA. tok tok. :P heh heh.

man i'm damn greedy sia. ate twice. XD ahaha. cant help it sia. i'm a growing chum. heh. looks like mae cash wun last sia.. whoops. always overspend one.. cannot make it sia.. even zai complaining. '...dat group of ppl always every break wat one.' waha... LOL. hoo. but realli. even with subtle improvements, e japanese food still realli cannot make it oso. ahaha tim and i were like BITCHING bout e whole ting.. so damn funni la. and i tell u, hu eva hears tim laugh catches it.HAHA!!! damn stupid la. we all heard him first round, den we started on our on bout fer no effing reason! o.O"" wth.

ya noe actually got a lot of things to blog bout. juz lazy. :D ahaha. k. i wanna go read up on theory of evolution. where'd banana's come from? :D peace.

2007-01-26T05:04:00.000-08:00

haha fun day today... finished at 12.30. XD awesome sia... had GP in e morn. ooookae... sounds damn boring i noe la. but gp to me, is kinda like ss. and e teacher in MI (she lives in e same block as me. o.O") is kinda alike in temperment as mr wong. ... so cool la. mr wong rox. so as u can guess... lessons are nice. :D but she is a bit biased towards different sexes. o.O uh huh. rite. havent seen dat though. gwen and maira hav been complainging bout it.

break. 45 mins. had lunch. crapped.

econs. mass lecture. 45 mins. ohhhh yea.. i like dis. ahaha. all lectures are hereby declared as SLACK periods! haha. i wuz juz sitting dere toking nonsense with tim.. listening to mp3... laughing. gaying. shitting. haha... e cher wuz completely revising wad we already hav been revising fer e last few weeks. ... so ya.

Lit. 1.5 hours. ... oh shit. sucks.. i cant believe e most shittyest of teachers are being chucked into e subj dat i love. o.O"" effers. completely utter bollocks. i mean. we had a teacher hu DEFINITELY couldn't teach fer fucking nuts. COMPLETELY lost e class' attention. yea. going on and on and on bout shakespeare. first 5 mins. beginning symptoms of BOREDOM start to show. by 10 mins? full. fledged. unconsciousness. horrible. k. and like today. dis ms a*g. yea. not gonna put full name ah... i read newspapers and i hav no wish to teo slam. but wadeva. k. she had dese massive boobs. >>>>>>>>>>wait a min. lost track k.>>>>>>>> erm. no. k. she had dis huge butt k? den she like wore UBER tight undies and a clinging pair of i-dunno-wads. e result wuz excessive display of bottom fats. o.O" yea. dere were like, wad u call ems?, ribbing!. yea. RIBBING ppl. ribbing. like mini tyres. veri gross. not actually relevant to her teaching. :P whoops. im a bad person. ahha. so like she cant teach la. voice is EXTREMELY uneven. and she's visibly nervous. not very good to be nervous in class. u juz get bullied. so... yea u can guess wad happened. waha.

\

2007-01-24T04:52:00.000-08:00

ahhhhh... EASY day... up to 115 onli. like literaly slacked thorugh everything la... let's see... erm. first period. ECONS. lecture. perfect opportunity to take naps and catch up on lost time with frenz. o.O" RIGHT. haa. i'm juz not the perfect student la k... but hey. i paid attention. sum of it. lol.

RIIGGHHT.

nxt lesson. GEOG. oh yea. i like geog. saw is a nice teacher... hoenst. sum guy from HQ? well he's got his head on right. haha. so like ya.. most of e answers i gave today MIRACULOUSLY were right! XO. freakin amazing. ha. mayb i'm smarter den i give myself credit for! .... RIIGGHHT.

we had an hour plus break after dat.. everyone wuz juz crapping bout skools stuff and all how girls juz NEED to bitch. oookae. enuf of dat stuff. so i juz chaboed into a corner and beeped val.. checking in on her finger... haha her hamster bit her and it sorta swelled up. WAIT. not funni. so stop laughing. now. ... k. lol. yea called and talked to her fer bout 20 mins. funni. it wuz juz 15 lil mins. but felt like several years. :D wish i had more moments like dat... wen i'm so contented time slows and juz slides right off me... *sigh* yea. good times. XD tks val.

had pizza. got fatter. day ends. peace. ...

i hate the ending.