Saturday, February 16, 2008
hello.
it's been so long. but not long enough. and still i dream the same dream, and live in fear of having to live out a reality that is so much more unpleasent. I'd like to live that dream. Every second, and minute of it. it doesnt last long. but it feels so damn good. i feel alive for just a moment. just that moment before the touch of dawn rips my eyelids open, forcing me to face another day.
things arent going too well. everything is pretty much downhill from where i last stood. position. ability. possibility of capability. etcetra. im pretty much used to the decadence though. numbed to it, more or less. and im glad of it. glad that it doesnt hurt like it always used to. i can now fail freely without anything standing in the way. failing. it's still not fun though. dont think it'll ever be.
and about that. i divulged to a third party. i needed to. i need someone to know that i'm suffering from indecision and cowardice. and the lack of ability and opportunity. i dont want help. even if i need it so bad. i dont want it. God has given me an odd peace. and i'm grateful. but nothing more is probably going to come of it. i try. and burn myself trying. chafing my soul and fraying the edges of my heart along the way. words soothe the hurts. and the memory of that hug still remains. welcomed on some days, rejected sourly on others. i love it, and hate it. i wish time had stopped then.
some look. but cannot see.
some hear, but cannot listen.
some speak, but cannot talk.
some feel, but cannot retain.
i see. and wish i was blind.
i hear, and wish i was deaf.
i speak, and wish i was mute.
i feel, and i wish i could never retain.
if love hurts this much,
why bother loving?
to impale yourself,
day after grey day.
the last. may this be the last.
i beseech and beg,
with the dregs of my sorrowed soul.
down on my knees
to try. and to fail.
time after endless time.
it aches so bad,
i could cry of the pain.
and you there,
unknowing.
i wish i could change,
from the inside out.
so you would let me love you.
9:36 AM
