Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saw the Nikon EOS 40D in passing today. man. that is one sweet piece of machinery. haha. really hope to own something like that one day. one day. in the mean time, i still have my dear olympus.haha.
i'm bored stiff. spent the whole day at home, studying. jeez. that sucks. can't have a bit more excitement in my life can i? hmm. eugene and bernie planning a cycling trip to pulau ubin this wed. hopefully i can go. if my parents don't stand in my way, as usual. wonder why they do it. hmm. anyway, going to the airport to fetch the phase 3 people home. :) we're a batch again :D ahha. so happy. don't know why.
found some random pics. one of them here.
10:00 PM
Saturday, November 24, 2007
reply to tags.
rome-Liwen: haha... ok... *SMILE*. ... *blink**blink*
rome-ffyona: haha... yea im trying.. :P lol...
rome-joyce: hha i love A3 too.. XD haha.. okey.
post.
just saw the phase 3 ppl off earlier this evening. very happy-sad. happy because everyone is having such a good time. there's so much love ya know? and sad, cause i couldn't join them during phase 2. so disappointed, with myself and cirumstance, more with myself. disappointed again, because i couldn't go for the RP competition because of this. and i couldn't bring myself to tell liang wei or eric. or shawn, when he gets back. jeez. i want to break. but without all this pressure. i hate this pressure.
anyway. i'll deal with it in my own time. really have to do something about it soon. back to this evening's happenings. :D really, the best. here. i have photos.
shoes. the cam whore. XD really. no kidding. heh.
eugene here. grinning away as he chows down on some HOMECOOKED food Joel made. awesome stuff. looks like this...
awesomeness la.
i really love this bunch. :)) love them so much. especially that guy at the back. XD hoho.
6:38 AM
Thursday, November 22, 2007
back from xp. actually been back for quite a while. these few days, whenever i'm on the com, i try to blog. i type in the URL, wait for the page to load, fill in user name and password, wait for the page to load, click on "New Post", wait for page to load, and end up staring at a blank box. then my mind just blanks, overloads and shuts down. then i close the page.
i'm not sure why i'm only able to blog right now. i think it's because i feel that whatever happened during the XP is so intensely emotional and private that i can't type it out. and i won't. it's only for me and all the people involved to know, and remember. i can't force myself to type something that would turn out, a fake. unreal. more mind than heart. and so i won't. but i can tell you what i've become. a spartan. of the lowest order. but that's what i'm here to do. to keep pushing myself till i become the best person i can be. i onli am a spartan by my friends' patience and help. and not by my own strength. that is my greatest disappointment, and pride.
i'm feeling emotional. very. i'm missing all the members who went for phase 2. they'll be back tommorrow. hopefully i'm given a time by then so i can go and pick them up. but it's in the biggest crowd where i feel the loneliest. and even now, i feel so very alone. i've disappointed every person i've met in this life. including myself, countless times. each time i do this, it's like a blow i deal out. how much more can i take before my body crumples and fails? like a piece of parchment discarded to stray winds.
why do i even hope? why do i even try? is this my measure of human stubborness? it's in the genes i guess. or maybe it's because i'm not a likeable person. at all. well. that hurts. more than i thought possible. i try anyway. but the question "why?" still pops in. why? why? why? i don't know. i don't have an answer. honest. jesus i wish i did. i pray i have an answer for me. but i don't. i'm quite literally empty. sharp wit. useless wit, with no funnel to which i can apply it.
i don't hate myself anymore. that's a good thing. i guess. i don't hate, in general. i dislike. now at any rate. last time, anger was power. literally. the adrenaline and chemical stuff, u know? (don't know then go and check wiki). physically felt stronger, eyesight faster, reactions faster, blah blah. so naturally i gave in to the anger bit. but it became unhealthy after a while. had heart burns more often. emotionally black ALL THE TIME. (not depression ,mind, just black.)
Not much different from what i'm feeling now.
it's just a hole. a deep deep hole. empty and dark. utter nothingness that reverberates in the gloom. shaking the dust of pain from the seemingly endless ceiling of night. whoa. damn emotional. there's going to be a poem at the end of this entry. so get ready.
im even questioning why the hell i'm posting this. it's not going to do any good. it's just an outlet. a chance for me to COMPLAIN and BITCH about life that sucks at this point in time. no. that's not the way. i need to face it. smack it around till it's nice and tender. and comfortable. i make my presence felt in silence and behind-the-scenes action.
boy. i've no idea what i'm talking about.
i must be mad.
racking my mind against the useless.
knocking my brains to pulp.
they were functioning as such anyway.
no matter.
what i do now,
is beyond comprehension,
yours or mine.
the floor shakes.
the sky turns.
or is it just me?
my sky is purple.
my sun rise is blue.
what's yours?
a rainbow vertigo,
almost pleasent.
am i high on something?
a carelessness encroaches me.
me. not my mind.
me.
it's focus is me.
am i it's prey?
or am i the one seeking it.
the predator?
a sheep perhaps,
in wolf's clothing.
i don't care.
and in saying that, i submit.
ironic. irony.
a thing we can't live without,
yet we'd rather live without.
we will find however, the futility of such hope,
or similar future endeavours in this scene.
ironic load of bull i'm spouting.
all the friendly faces.
so dear.
so dear.
i'll never let them go.
but Death will release them from my bondage.
damn you, Death.
can't memory stretch beyond the grave?
can't i give a damn even after i'm dust?
dust that'd make you sneeze,
if i don't already, that is.
scattered mumblings of a mad man.
what is mad?
i reckon a point of view.
'cause in my eyes,
you're all mad.
5:12 AM
Sunday, November 11, 2007
leaving for xp morrow. whoo! :D damn excited. ready to put myself to the test again. one more time! haha. bukit timah was tough, but after a while of gritting my teeth, the pain drew away. in it's place is something i can't really describe. hmm. some hidden store of strength? i don't know how to put it honestly. but i'm ready to test my limits once again. i wasnt ready for june, i'm more ready now, but never completely. now this is a problem.
finished my packing earlier this evening. stuffed in everything before receiving the message that we meet at marsiling at 8, instead of slernging in school. ok. that means i got to pack everything in really solid at home. morrow going back to school at 8 plus to get tent parts etc. oh and got to plan the route and stuff with eugene and alston. feeling guilty cause i didn't initiate any planning, and according to hong taa, eugene may have been doing all the work. going to try and amend morrow. musn't let friend's down again, not like last time.
7:39 AM
Saturday, November 10, 2007
went to bukit timah yesterday. gosh. best training ever. maybe it's just me, but i really really enjoyed bukit timah. completely. sure. my right quads are kinda flagging, my right ankle is sore. but hey! it's all in preperation.. so now my mind is rightly honed towards XP. :D haha. that's the way.
yesterday was yang's bday too! hoho. there was so much... secrecy in the air. i reckon she could sense something was gonna happen la. all the extremely random giggling. and. daniel. daniel ah. whoa lao ah daniel.
anyhow. XP is on monday. mentally prepping myself now. getting loads of red bull and stuff. gotta msg my group later. inform them that David can't make it for XP. so need to re-arrange allocation of some stuff. ... sad to say, i find myself unwilling to carry the main tent around. XD haha. shucks. the inside of my bag is going to be seriously messed up. MESSED. UP. freak. i'll be lugging at least another 5 kg of MUD around. ... oh wait. we're only camping on Belumut. XDD hoho. so maybe i'll survive after all. ahah. ah heck whatever it is. THE MAIN TENT is MINE!! whoo.. ... whoo.. .. whoo? XD
bye datok. i'm going to write a poem for you now. we lost you due to our lack of... .. of... something. but the fact is, i won't be able to step on you. (boy that sounded weird)
you're green slopes that beckon.
the glint of dew in the distance,
winking in the morning's glow.
wrinkled wisdom set in harried rock and stone.
flies that buzz,
birds shrieking the day's beginning.
mingling like falling water,
that cascades to a crashing end.
the sweat we could have shed,
moistening the dry earth.
the pain in our legs,
straining and bending away.
our packs load?
unforgettable. undeniable.
as it makes it's presence known,
by the straps that sting.
in this short time,
without having made you're aquaintance
we say our goodbyes,
without even saying hello.
1:12 AM
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
did 100 grandstands just the other day. was supposed to do 200. AND I COULD HAVE. ... if it wasnt for the headache that followed the first hundred. XD i guess i shouldn't have pushed too hard for the first set. must've sucked up whatever sugar i had at the time in my body. funny though. i really felt VERY good. there wasn't any strain in my body after a time. my legs were extremely light, and my breathing even. if it wasn't for the headache, or after some self-reflection, my possible lack of mental strength, i could have done the next 100. this just means i need to come up with more ways to keep myself going. red bull? caffiene packs? i think i'm endangering my health. is it worth it? perhaps so. i place my friends above all else. so... this shouldn't be a problem. only thing is, how to keep my body from failing as well as keep my friends from worrying when all my strength is spent? thinking is required.
ah. and i think tommorrow is the checking for the medic packs. ... i'm in trouble. don't know the medic list, and i only have the minimal amount in my medic pack. shucks. this is another example of my lack of initiative. ... o.O" needs fixing.
i'm really addicted to all these wiki variations. honestly. wikipedia is the most well known. wiki halo and wookiepedia are fantastic. but i think my personal fave would be wiki quote. hoo yeah. awesomely inspirational and thought provoking stuff.
poems? maybe i shall write one. i've got stuff inside me right now.
in this golden glade,
of evergreens,
a gentle wind flows.
riding along the swaying of leaves,
sprinting along the blades of grass.
the heavens are revealed in an instant,
lit by brother Moon.
his silver halo expands across
round his pockmarked face.
the night is complete.
above the crowns of the oak,
far past the weathered browns,
in the dark places unknown.
deep regions.
untreaded.
there lie secrets.
unwholesome.
unclean.
raw and wrathful.
filled with a blind hate for all things.
and as Time spins the Earth around her girdle,
such as a small child might.
Change sprouts like weeds in spring,
like full-bodied roses,
in fertile beds.
where there is now peace,
unrest fast approaches,
soaring on the wings of change.
3:32 AM
