Thursday, October 25, 2007
it's confirmed. i have to give up phase 2. feeling angry and sad right now, bout a few things. one of them is my own physical and mental weakness, another is the whole situation which may pertain to my personal ignorance, which is birthed from lack of initative.
im gonna tekan myself right now. suan mae lack of pro-activeness. lack of initiative. i think this is what is bothering me most. not so much my physical prowess. im not doing enuf for myself. if i had realli wanted to go i would have done all i could. but now it's too late. which begs the question. did i realli want to go? i reflected earlier, so now i have an answer. yes. i did. i wanted to go. i wanted to suffer with my frens. i wanted to taste the sweat the blood the dirt with them. i wanted my legs to burn with my bag's straps cutting into my shoulder, looking ahead on a seemingly endless road, trudging through underbrush for hours on end, never knowing when the end is. i wanted the pain. i wanted the laughter with it, the hope and the despair. both sides of the knife. but now i cant. all killed by my lack of initiative.
i think im going to type out a letter. i think. but mayb my courage will fail again. as is usual. and i end up not doing anything.
Playing The Blame Game
hanging back,
staying my hand.
i let it slip right by.
flitting past me,
stopping for just a moment to cut my cheek.
whom can i blame?
what can i blame?
my cowardice?
my inability?
my lack of initiative?
or perhaps,
me?
or no. no.
maybe i will blame circumstance,
for pausing my hand's motion.
or time instead,
and maybe the lack of it.
shall i go on to blame a higher power?
or Fate, if it exists?
this game has to end.
come to a stop,
by whatever means.
it does no good to spite your reflection,
when it runs parallel to reality.
i seek not kindness,
i seek the truth.
but the truth that i seek,
may bear inherent cruelty,
and thus.
my quest for kindness begins.
4:58 AM
