Wednesday, October 03, 2007
im back. a changed man. surprisingly. a lot of things, apart from exams hav passed me by. and they've chafed so now im a lil different. in a better way i hope. mayb i can live a little more contentedly then before.
lemme juz talk bout the more recent things that hav happened. dun wanna realli tax my memory too badly.
i stayed back in skool after the NE paper. u noe.. it being a friday. so i thought id just loosen up. 2 more papers after that. lit paper 4 and maths.so yea. played like 6 hours of frisbee nonstop under the sun. realli powerful UV rays man. gave me a headache in 5 mins. haha. everyone got giddy too... half an hour later, i tink nicole stepped out.. yang refused to step down to play anyway. ... 'flying object phobia'. XDD anyway. must hav been the heat or sum ting. cause i had a sort of a tantrum. embarrassed to sae so. but yea. i tink i had a mini tantrum. wuz a lil fed up with ppl not passing me the damn frisbee when i had a clear vantage point. so i flew off in a rage.. shoes tried to talk sense into me... but.. not much use.. i calmed down a bit.. but i tink e rest stil hav no idea why i freaked. gonna leave it dat way. it's stupid. but. anyhow.. i had sum private time at the fitness corner. juz staring at the clouds. it's damn cool. it felt like i could see the tectonic plate that wuz asia reflected in the sky, and moving. it wuz realli cool. and it cooled me off too. so. yea. went back to find e rest playing on the field. dey stopped to try and find out wads wrong with me, but i tink rod told em to let me cool off. talked with yang and jethro. heh. irritated yang with the frisbee. anyway... after that did frisbee ballet. honestly... i tink i lost my manhood.. XDD haha. it just involved throwing e frisbee around with sum fancy 'ballet' movements.. haha. yang enjoyed herself immensely. lol. den shoes took over my frisbee, so i went to relax fer a while... haha. hmm. den wad happened? ah yes. had a chat with shoes... in the rain... onli den did i realise how angry i wuz, cause the rain realli cooled me off.. and talking to shoes.. i dunno. i did sum self reflection in that conversation. and.. found out just exactly how torn and tattered my soul is. and the hand that did it al? my own. i tore my soul up on my own.. the rain reminded me so much of chamah. so much. haha. i wish i could say im the sort who 'runs in the rain so no one can see me cry',XDD ah. inside joke. haha.. weird. but no. shoes taught me how to hav fun again. as well as introducing me to a long lost friend again.. the rain... i miss just standing under it. feeling it's embrace. even now im thinking bout it. boy i hope it rains tommorrow.
second event. my poetry. i realised sometime, not so long ago, that my poetry is ... different. it's not a matter of topic. it's the style.. it seems to be shifting. turning into something else. i firmly believe that a person's writing is based on his mood, emotions and his thinking. does this mean my thinking is changing? hopefully for the best. tommorrow im going to try and write something different. something.. new. no more anger. no more hate. no more despair. no more darkness. no more morbidity. sum ting.. different. no more looking back. i think im going to try and look foward
finally. this event takes place now. it's got sum ting to do with the first event. as i talked to shoes, we came to the topic of our fears.and conincidentally, our fears are the same. loss of limbs. i didnt place much thought on it at the time. however, tonight, as i read a certain novel, i came across a situation where the character looses his hand. or rather, the use of his hand. i paid attention however, to his reactions and the emotions at the time. he said sum ting memorable. referring to his hand, "this is not me. the thing that makes me is far away. no hand, no leg, dictates my being." and i thought to myself. why do i fear the loss of my limbs so. is it onli due to a decadence to dependence that i detest? or is sum ting else. vanity? i dont noe. im still thinking bout it.
10:18 AM
