a dead spartan.

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Respite To Scotland

JianLin
fiona
Dorville
val
Joyce

Li Wen

J Lau

Gwen

WikiQuote

Nadine
Tara
Shoes
Rod
T2

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February 2008

Possunt, quia posse videntur.

italian. for. "They are able, because they think they are able".

dominic sent me this link. wikiquote. that was a quotation from the wpic poem Aeneid, written by italian poet Virgil. fantastic. im currently still exploring. they've got quotes everywhere! from harrison ford down to bill clinton. hoho. check this out.

Audentes fortuna iuvat .

italian. again. for "Fortune favors the brave." hoho.

silently padding my way foward
a piece of the night
sticking to the shadows,
like my father taught me.

shafts of moon seep through the canopy,
lighting the forest floor.
but i miss the beauty of it,
being focused on my target ahead.

a young male wolf,
reddish silver in the night.
ruddy tail betells his youth,
and his fatal strength.

he sniffs the ground,
even as i approach.
stalking him as he would stalk prey.
i finger my knife's hilt. wary.

his head lifts,
staring into my eyes.
he feels my presence.
can he see me?

a low growl fills the air.
founded out,
i draw.
he advances.

a high leap sends us sprawling,
in a gruesome dance of death.
he strains for my throat,
and i for his.

our wills clash
and retreat.
and clash again.
like a battle of giants.

in moments it ends. his blood stains my skin.
his great heart i can feel against me,
beating.
slowly. stopping.

my scrapes and bruises
weeping fluids and blood
i ignore
a new task is at hand.

gutting the wolf
i pull out his still warm heart,
and eat it.
vile and raw. i eat it.

defeating him.
i defeated fear.
i defeated me.
i am the victor.

pw is coming to an end.

i'll bet this phrase is appearing all over the blogs of singaporean youths in j1. haha. everyone seems to hate pw. hmm. i hate the initiation phase. but i kinda like it. i like it. and i like my group. most agreeable group ive had the fortune to have. ever. no hiccoughs wad so ever. well. not much anyway. small ones even if there were any.

had a hectic day today. chinese As. then an odac meeting. then pw practice. chinese was... easy? i dun want to say anything right now. just going to forget about it. now. now. now. i said now.

there. odac.. was about xp! excited.. XDD but sometimes must be a bit more receptive. i knew all the xp talk was affecting bernie. you can see it in her face... gosh. wrench my heart. an echo of that old feeling came back. still wishing i could switch places with her, hz and tara? yea. of course. but reason won. or... cowardice? disloyalty? dunno. maybe stupidity is the main cause of this flashback. maybe. i don't know for certain now. need to reflect more, medidate more, think more.

feeling too much is a failing and a victory. feeling too much and not thinking or pondering about what im feeling is a direct sin. and may i be damned if i commit such a sin.

listening to eric claption right now. got a new cd. the 'Complete Clapton'. the best. it's got everything in it. everything in his career. from Tears in Heaven to Layla. gosh i love layla... it's the best track i think. haha.

odac. my family. and ive lost more family members. it's like cutting off my limbs. it's just as bad. i can sense perhaps, some indirect imagery? i recall an earlier post. i said my greatest fear was to lose my limbs. but what happens when a fear is put to the test? how long can the being in which the fear resides stay whole.? not long i reckon. i can already see the cracks along my soul.

Sitting silent on rusted metal,
that once was blue.
i think.
the colour is so faded,
i wouldn't call it a colour.

my voice is stolen.
as i gaze into your silent eyes,
dappled with tears.
i blink back a share of my own,
for fear of shaming myself in weakness.

the truck starts. rumbling foward
crawling like a dying machine of a snail.
then it picks up speed,
bumping along as it goes.
but my eyes are locked in yours.

at five yards off, just over the hill,
you run crying to me.
tears flowing freely now,
to drip down that beloved chin.
quenching the Earth's thirst.

my heart clenches
like my fist gripping the rail.
rusted truck bites into my palm.
but it is an antbite,
compared to the ache in my soul.

but still i cant speak.
i cant cry.
even when the truck rumbles faster,
and the tires lurch foward.
i shake helplessly.

only when you disappear over the ridge,
lost in a cloud of dust.
i think you stumbled over stray stones.
i wonder,
are you hurt?
did you cut yourself?

and now i can cry.

"Pride not poisonous one. Can be swallowed."

This is what mr lim wrote to me when i screwed up a 2.4 run timing because of my knee. i was badly affected, not because disappointed, but because i was too proud. too proud to give in to weakness. so now ive learnt my lesson. pride can be swallowed. and thus defeated. weakness is not a fault. stupidity is.

so im going to let this motto run in my own life, even if i can't run. but i refuse to give up. so i will keep trying. no matter what. i just need to learn to keep my head above water and tread it. if u get the imagery. so.. best way to learn this lesson is during this nov's xp, phase 1.

unknown factions swell,
making their presence known.
boisterous arrogance
in a kindly face.

all around.
in an open plain,
no sign of shelter
no sign of retreat

their all around. everywhere.
prying in secret places,
nosing in delicate issues
that are best left alone.

and so.
with no options left,
i fly. running fleet footed.
as fast as i can.
but i fall.

and then i remember.
i am maimed.

im slernging at home today. nothing much to do. chores. my parents think im their maid, just cause i don't have exams. yea. im going to get to work on my inr later, mayb do sum research for xp. or sum ting. chores later. hmm. going out with fan zhi soon. juz gonna go j8 pick up so headphones. heh. then mayb later spam a bit of halo. finally. haha.

feeling bored. been on the com since 7. wish i had the strength to entertain tara online last nite.. but. my energy all disappeared. that's what happens after u start breaking immediately after a long hiatus. hoho... nvm. my stamina wil return. mayb breaking again this sat. see how. training in the morning.. wonder wad we're gonna be doin? :D sounds cool anyway. love training. ah. breaking... met up with shawn and liang wei. had a decent session. my footwork is more or less cleaned up now. no more random spastic hopping. now smooth and controlled. haha. ok. freeze... not too shaby. no diff i can sae. but am now trying to transition from footwork to elbow freeze. slowly la. handstand oso need to prac more. liang wei tried to teach me 2000, but i screwed up. left hand not strong enuf to take my weight. yet.

write a poem in later. now going to tackle chores.

it's confirmed. i have to give up phase 2. feeling angry and sad right now, bout a few things. one of them is my own physical and mental weakness, another is the whole situation which may pertain to my personal ignorance, which is birthed from lack of initative.

im gonna tekan myself right now. suan mae lack of pro-activeness. lack of initiative. i think this is what is bothering me most. not so much my physical prowess. im not doing enuf for myself. if i had realli wanted to go i would have done all i could. but now it's too late. which begs the question. did i realli want to go? i reflected earlier, so now i have an answer. yes. i did. i wanted to go. i wanted to suffer with my frens. i wanted to taste the sweat the blood the dirt with them. i wanted my legs to burn with my bag's straps cutting into my shoulder, looking ahead on a seemingly endless road, trudging through underbrush for hours on end, never knowing when the end is. i wanted the pain. i wanted the laughter with it, the hope and the despair. both sides of the knife. but now i cant. all killed by my lack of initiative.

i think im going to type out a letter. i think. but mayb my courage will fail again. as is usual. and i end up not doing anything.

Playing The Blame Game

hanging back,
staying my hand.
i let it slip right by.
flitting past me,
stopping for just a moment to cut my cheek.

whom can i blame?
what can i blame?
my cowardice?
my inability?
my lack of initiative?
or perhaps,
me?

or no. no.
maybe i will blame circumstance,
for pausing my hand's motion.
or time instead,
and maybe the lack of it.
shall i go on to blame a higher power?
or Fate, if it exists?

this game has to end.
come to a stop,
by whatever means.
it does no good to spite your reflection,
when it runs parallel to reality.

i seek not kindness,
i seek the truth.
but the truth that i seek,
may bear inherent cruelty,
and thus.
my quest for kindness begins.

had odac training in the morning. i prayed hard i wouldnt, i tried so hard to keep myself from doing it, but it still happened.

my knee fucked up.

again.

im starting to wonder if the weakness of my mind is being translated out into a physical manisfestation. i wouldnt be surprised anyway. but the last dregs of my pride is starting to wittle away. which is good. im disppointed my knee failed, but im happy i actually made myself useful. i cheered my frens on. and ended up fucking my damn knee up even more. heh. hard to imagine it's psychological when it hurts so fucking bad rite now. XD hoho. icing now. ... past 10 min interval. no sign of ice burn. but i should remove it. but i cant. im still typing. haha.

mr told me his reasons for putting that line in the recent letter. i think im buying it. cause i know myself too. my physical sucks. to dante's hell. so. wad do i do? i have no fucking idea, drop outta phase 2 i guess. ... :( but i so wanna go! .. frag. but from what ive thought bout so far, im gonna at least make sure i can qualify to go. so even if i choose not to go, i earned my place. yea. that's the way sia! whoo. ... astronomy is a mystery. XDD

i changed my blogskin. looks emo rite? well it's not. it's just... . black. very black. e words were originally black too. changed to white. no point having a blog if u cant see a damn thing right? yea. that's the way.

ive got a poem here.

A Man Of Time

his hands shake,
gripping desperately to his ash wood spear
his legs tremble,
not with fear.
never.
but with the years that pile on his back.
crushing his spine.

his beard is white,
like an unstained winter,
with creases around his bright eyes,
like the crest of mount olympus.
only the set of his mouth,
that taut line,
gives away his unbreakable pride.

the years have been unkind in many ways,
taking things precious from him,
shattering heart, breaking his bones,
rendering his very strength to naught.
his soul is chained,
by the very body that he manifests.

old/young thanatos,
he strides from across the glade
where this proud Spartan stands.
and with him, lurks despair.
unflinching, the Spartan stands,
and in him, the ages long past
flares like the rising sun.

with a defiance broad and bare,
thanatos is faced.
but the smile of Death is kind.
he says

"yon years have passed,
like the rain in thou mountains,
flowing past many a river,
into the wide open sea.
now be free, and walk hither with me.
ye proud warrior of yon fathers."

and so a new road he takes,
this man.
this Spartan.
freedom to his soul,
so long tethered
and confined.
freedom.

and whence upon a time,
the lions of the Thermopylae roared.

looking at you, i tremble within.
your presence is intoxicating,
strangling the air from my lungs.
my heart beats sluggishly,
as you claim it as your own.

enraptured by your smile,
i am willingly enslaved.
put me to the torch,
or flog me,
as though i bear the sins of all sinners.

but you would never do that.
holding me close,
tightly,
so i never know fear, helplessness,
despair.

whisper in my ear,
drive away the night-time demons
that ravage my soul.
save me,
stay with me.

we live in a crystal,
with the morning sun shining through.

an experience like no other,
a trip to nirvana.
a journey into me,
across mountains and rivers,
into and out of the darkest regions.

a vibration deep in my soul,
thrumming with a life of it's own.
a creation of mine make,
like no other around.
unique and singled.

capturing people like fish,
and drawing them close,
to share in this special birthing.
a revelation of my mind
to the masses.

im showing you who i am.

im going to teach you how to lie.

but does that make me a compulsive liar? well. not now it doesnt. but i used to be.

when you tell a lie, be it black or white, it's a part of you. you literally sell your soul for it's existence. and so, while you live, you take care of your 'child'. it's gross terminology, but trust me, it's the most effective so far. blah blah. yeah. look after your lie. always maintain it. why? because the rest of your soul lives and dies by your lie's well-being. when you lie dies, and is founded out by those whom you;ve lied to, your soul literally whithers. you become lesser, a smaller self then you were before. a self you won't wanna live with. any cure? nope. once done, cant be undone. ur scarred for life. but hey, that's why they have schools for the disabled. so pick your ass up. heh. but what happens even if the lie survives? hoho. that's a lil different, but mayb not so. because you still suffer. as time goes by, it ebbs at you. like little waves of guilt that wash away a bit of your sanity each time. until you seem to drown in your conscience's wrath.

i must be feeling perky or something. but actually, i think im depressed. XDD irony irony. or am i a parody? parody of a spartan. yea. i think so.

riddled with holes
torn in places
this tapestry of lions
once glory overwhelmed the sight of it
now, it's just a memory.

cats of stature.
honor.
sheer majesty.
locked away in cloth and string
but now it fades.
like a lost kingdom.

where is the man,
to raise the banner?
blowing the horn
rousing the masses
raising a wave upon the land,
as has never been seen before.

where is the lion's roar?
where are the lion's teeth?
befuddled and lost
in the ages past
of murk and mildew
rotting
decaying

the time has come for a new age.
a new breath.
a new lion.

im back. a changed man. surprisingly. a lot of things, apart from exams hav passed me by. and they've chafed so now im a lil different. in a better way i hope. mayb i can live a little more contentedly then before.

lemme juz talk bout the more recent things that hav happened. dun wanna realli tax my memory too badly.

i stayed back in skool after the NE paper. u noe.. it being a friday. so i thought id just loosen up. 2 more papers after that. lit paper 4 and maths.so yea. played like 6 hours of frisbee nonstop under the sun. realli powerful UV rays man. gave me a headache in 5 mins. haha. everyone got giddy too... half an hour later, i tink nicole stepped out.. yang refused to step down to play anyway. ... 'flying object phobia'. XDD anyway. must hav been the heat or sum ting. cause i had a sort of a tantrum. embarrassed to sae so. but yea. i tink i had a mini tantrum. wuz a lil fed up with ppl not passing me the damn frisbee when i had a clear vantage point. so i flew off in a rage.. shoes tried to talk sense into me... but.. not much use.. i calmed down a bit.. but i tink e rest stil hav no idea why i freaked. gonna leave it dat way. it's stupid. but. anyhow.. i had sum private time at the fitness corner. juz staring at the clouds. it's damn cool. it felt like i could see the tectonic plate that wuz asia reflected in the sky, and moving. it wuz realli cool. and it cooled me off too. so. yea. went back to find e rest playing on the field. dey stopped to try and find out wads wrong with me, but i tink rod told em to let me cool off. talked with yang and jethro. heh. irritated yang with the frisbee. anyway... after that did frisbee ballet. honestly... i tink i lost my manhood.. XDD haha. it just involved throwing e frisbee around with sum fancy 'ballet' movements.. haha. yang enjoyed herself immensely. lol. den shoes took over my frisbee, so i went to relax fer a while... haha. hmm. den wad happened? ah yes. had a chat with shoes... in the rain... onli den did i realise how angry i wuz, cause the rain realli cooled me off.. and talking to shoes.. i dunno. i did sum self reflection in that conversation. and.. found out just exactly how torn and tattered my soul is. and the hand that did it al? my own. i tore my soul up on my own.. the rain reminded me so much of chamah. so much. haha. i wish i could say im the sort who 'runs in the rain so no one can see me cry',XDD ah. inside joke. haha.. weird. but no. shoes taught me how to hav fun again. as well as introducing me to a long lost friend again.. the rain... i miss just standing under it. feeling it's embrace. even now im thinking bout it. boy i hope it rains tommorrow.

second event. my poetry. i realised sometime, not so long ago, that my poetry is ... different. it's not a matter of topic. it's the style.. it seems to be shifting. turning into something else. i firmly believe that a person's writing is based on his mood, emotions and his thinking. does this mean my thinking is changing? hopefully for the best. tommorrow im going to try and write something different. something.. new. no more anger. no more hate. no more despair. no more darkness. no more morbidity. sum ting.. different. no more looking back. i think im going to try and look foward

finally. this event takes place now. it's got sum ting to do with the first event. as i talked to shoes, we came to the topic of our fears.and conincidentally, our fears are the same. loss of limbs. i didnt place much thought on it at the time. however, tonight, as i read a certain novel, i came across a situation where the character looses his hand. or rather, the use of his hand. i paid attention however, to his reactions and the emotions at the time. he said sum ting memorable. referring to his hand, "this is not me. the thing that makes me is far away. no hand, no leg, dictates my being." and i thought to myself. why do i fear the loss of my limbs so. is it onli due to a decadence to dependence that i detest? or is sum ting else. vanity? i dont noe. im still thinking bout it.