a dead spartan.

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a weight on the mind.
bogging down the processes.
contaminating those happy times
like a pollutive cloud.
sapping strength that i so desperately need.
like a tumour of massive proportions.
a device of devil-make and
malicious intent.

but than again.
it is merely a line in an eternal equation
a formula of inconsequential size.
therein lies the trap of traps.
for it is the smallest detail
that has the greatest effects.
one line in an equation
magnifies the change in it's result.

so what can i do?
for everytime i try,
i fall.
hard.
skinning my knees for the countless time.
even if the spirit is strong,
exactly how much can the body take?
take the punishment
that this dastardly doom has so decided
to impose upon me?

and even now.
as my ragged breath mists the air
and the sweat freezes off my limbs
which shake from exertion,
i see the end of ends.
in the frozen wake of this life past,
the light at the end flares.
but wait. not light.
i fly from doom to unknown doom.
a darker hole
gaping brilliance.
it beckons.

shagged. dun realli hav time to reply e tags.. :(( sry ppl. ive onli got enuf strength to make brief comments.

life is very tiring but enjoyable for me lately. it's really shitty cause gotta juggle exams... cca... knowledge test after knowledge test after knowledge test. but no matter wad, im not sick of it. nver will be. e onli problem is i doubt my ability to do it well. like knowledge test fail like free... class tests all fail like free. i dunno. but im gonna pick myself up from here. sian of failing. fail fer dunno how long still fail sime? o.O" buay tahan la. so yea

anyway. had training today. i wuz very disppointed with myself. supposed to run 30 rounds. pacing not impt. but juz as long as can finish. me? muz garang garang pace with hong taa rod dey all. in the end? 1.crash and burn. 2. injured. number 2 is injured. injured means? OFA fer fucking dunno how long. shit man. sucks la. i hate it. im so fucking weak. my mental cant overcome physical. lousy character and attitude. shit. i'd kill myself if i werent me.

the raggged maroon.
ripped and ragged.
torn in two
split down the middle.

the dented shield.
damaged beyond imagining
once glorious gold
glinting like the evening star
now hidden behind scuff marks

the splintered spear.
halved in battle.
the glory of engagement
is beaten down to lie in the muck
trodden on by the unwary
rusting in murky loneliness

the ancient helm.
storyteller of generations past.
now lies forgotten
in the star lit plains

what makes a spartan?
when time unmakes all?
in despair and grief
in weakness and defeat
to whom do we look to?
whither can we hear again
the tumultous roar
of a thousand voices in bloody unision.
they live on in our hearts

my poem of the day. ahah. later going to c mae lil bro get confirmed. work is stacking up again and ive seriously busted mae damn knee. left knee. ARGH. cant walk without wincing. dis post seems rushed. well cause it is. fer wad reason im not realli sure. i'll tell u wen i noe.

anyway. ubin trip yesterday. started off cool. nver ridden a bike with rear suspension. ooooh yea.. im so gonna get a bike like dat la wen i hav cash... XTR suspension back and front. whee.. 1000 bucks. ha. day wuz kinda darkened cause seren took a fall and broke her collar bone... it wuz realli damn scary la.. she wuz in so much pain and everyone wuz damn blurred. dunno wad to do and wad.. shucks man.. i felt so stupidly helpless la. sucks. im so gonna cough up sum research on fractures etc fer medic dept let em read. muz train em up.... otherwise scully dorville breaks her arm or wad in xp den mati. XD ahaha.

im in another stupid state of depression. again. sick of it. as usual... i dunno. stuff is juz going up and down a lot. im worn thin... honestly.. i dunno. i dun realli hav much to fuck about. im juz so cocked up rite now bout every damn thing. im more alone den i once tot i wuz. it sucks and it hurts. no one is going to help me when i finally break.

cracking from top to bottom.
from head to toe.
what i knew of myself i have lost.
lost in turmoil and defeat
the shame is driving me to the edge
the very edge of sanity and life

spartan? me?
i have not the honour.
a disgraced wreck among the rocks
the one who trembled
in the company of the mighty
the weakest link in a golden chain
no peace will i have

im crying all alone.
here in the dark
no more strength even to breathe
memories as dark as the night around me.
closing and constricting me
how i wish it would stop my heart
bring me to God's embrace
and eternal light

but that's not going to happen.
not anytime soon.
if im weak
so be it. for i am no quitter
the cloak
and the spear
and the shield
of a spartan will never be mind
nor the glorious death they desire
but i am me.
and so i struggle on.
with the tears in my eyes.

yea man. did 4 laps level 0. :D not fantastic but it's a start. a real start. i plan to do 6 at least morrow.. e key is to actually juz look and follow e person's legs in front of me. :P perverted and slightly sardonic but hey! if it works. hha! yea.. soon mae 2.4 timing shall hit 10 mins plus.. shit la. hong zhou is still damn fast la. 11 mins plus i tink. bugger. muz aim to surpass him. den slowly improve... now mae knees feel a bit dodgy.. bugger. hope they hold out morrow.

argh.. had kyakking course with ODAC last weekend.. ( hehe. ive got 1 star!! :D ) my skin is... not chaotah.. but red. i feel like roasted pig. whole body is damn tender la.. dammit.. hu's e genius hu got me to wear e marist uni. o.O" oh wait. dats me. ahaha. gosh. CMI sia.. now mae arms are like... i dunno. pain. but im not too sure if it's a muscle ache or if it's a surface prob.. cause it honestly feels like a muscle related problem. hmm. dunno. too many pull ups? :P

juz had argument with mae stupid brother and mother. fuckrs keep calling me retarded. damn shit la. dis juz goes to show ODAC is the other family i can realli depend on now fer emotional support. honetly speaking, im damn sick of dis treatment. if dat fucking bitch so much as TOUCHES me again, i'll rip her fingers off and shove down her throat. dis goes the same for dat fucked up demon brother. brother mae ass la. i hav half a mind to lose myself and kill him. my anger is realli getting out of control la. i had to painfully recall algae's log rules to calm myself down.. especially 'sad must tahan' and 'pain cannot show'. so im juz gonna ignore e 2 fuck heads. mother's day is dis coming sunday. my response? *middle finger shoots up* so?

anyway. yea. negative energy does me no good. and im gonna do away with all dese negative aspects of my life ASAP. once i hav a steady life of my own, and wen i can FULLY depend on myself, im so out of dis house. i realli cant take it. not even spartans can take dis. but den again, cannot also must can. i'll try my best.k. angry poem time to take my mind off it.

AWAY WITH YOU

a curse
a blow
mindlessly churned forth
like stinging white froth
you have no idea what it means
but you say it anyway
you do it anyway

what do you know
what do you think you know
you have no idea
because you don't know
a. single. damn. thing.
so away with you. all of you.
into the abyss you go.

the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.
i pray this resounds in your head.
till the eternal meaning of it drives you mad
drives you to your knees
where the bitter sand and grain will sting
and add to the madness.
what little love you had
i can see is gone.
given way to fermented hate.

if you hate me.
it's ok.
it has ceased to touch me.
i am beyond you.
birds have taken me
crows of damnation.
away from you.
to a new place where i can grow.
in the warmth and love that you never gave
that i never felt
know this.
if you hate me,
remember that i hate you too.

i am never alone.
i've still got me.




hmm. angry poem. but i feel beta. but i like dis poem. it's got emotion. poems are the physical translation of the mind's currents. haa.

fantastic day. :DD went for kyakking course with ODAC... wuz at pasir ris at 8 even though e ting actually started at 930. o.O" dis juz goes to show wad sorta life i lead. a lifeless one. XD ah. gosh.... in short.. e whole day wuz juz e most fun ive eva had... but i learned tings.. stuff.. and not juz bout kyakking. like... odac is starting to become more of my family den eva. and im starting to realli love dis new family of mine.. but i cant help but still feel slightly secluded. i dunno... it's a guy ting? or is it a jerome ting? :P im working on it..

but the 10th batch is still no perfect. we hav a long way to go. i noticed dat eirene and hong zhou were having probs.. and dat we didnt support them enuf. we juz concentrated WAY too much on having fun... i feel guilty fer dis. mayb i'll make a note to them morrow. i dunno... it's juz the way i felt wen i saw hong zhou's downcast expression wen he couldnt perform capsize drill fer the god noes how many time. and as a fren and fellow marist.. i gotta do sum ting.

hais.. but.. we did sum crazy tings la.. XD like... doing pushups in the toilet while showering.. dat wuz kinda mad. hahah!! and sum.. other gay stuff.. O.o... gosh... haha anyway dere are sum pics and a vid.. i'll upload once i get them.. :P

haha. tings are lookin up a bit. well in some ways not realli la.. but at least it's a load of mae mind. first things first. PI is finally done and away. dat stupid ting wuz realli giving me e most grief luh. poor cikgu oso kena quite badly. have to mark PIs like free den sum more muz accomadate fer everyone hu dun seem to understand e requirements.. sad.. but at least it's over now. tk god. a breath of fresh air fer everyone... but i mean ya. better fer me. i redid e stupid ting like, wad, 6 freaking times? shit man.

grades wise.. nth much to sae? at least... i noe mae limits and wad i can do to push dem furthur. being in odac has imparted this mindset to me la.. e fact that i hav a range that i can work in... but den again.. (CMC) by the power of 2. can means can, cannot means cannot. noe ur limits and work within them.. haha. but hey. e point is i hav to work.. i need to cover mae h1s now. exams are round e corner. june can be used to cover up e rest.

oh yay. i actually made improvement in mae 2.4 timing. :DD 11.45. it's not lightning fast or wad... but a damn improvement by 30 secs. so yea.

finally got some time to blog. o.O haha. been super busy. loads of shit to handle and juggle and switch hands with. it's starting to get tiring. but strangely im kinda fired up. but im damn sure it's in the wrong way. nth good is gonna happen off dis.

k. first things first. studies. like shit. well fer everything except lit. but im sure lit will kiss the dirt soon enuf. it hasnt yet cause i still havent gotten back mae 2 tests. but im DEAD sure i screwed up. geog? shit too. havent even studied fer anything. although im damn sure i need to. i havent even looked at mae readings. im so FUCKING screwed. yes. now starting phy geog. screwed screwed. maths? screwed. but not screwed so badly yet. chi? not so bad. possible e onli subj dat im not screwed yet. econs? screwing. im not studying at all. dats fucking why. ohhh.. let's tink. hmm. GP? mega screwed. it's like so dar up mae arse i cant see it anymore. yea. it's near mae pancreas now. so shitted. i hav no idea wad to do with dis subj. so ya.

e paragraph above. wads dis about? despair? rants? complaints? bitching? probably. or probably not. wadeva it is... i need to grab dis situation by the head and get a proper head lock. round the throat whilst flexing the biceps. yea. and i need to do it fast. best chance? june to catch up on mae h2s. but mae h1s need to be settles. so let's gve dem the higher prority. ARGH. im not despairing yet. but im starting to feel the burn. yea. and odac is killing time to. but im not complaining. no bitching. juz gonna drive maeself head long and do e damn ting. yes. onwards.