Sunday, December 03, 2006
it's so incredible the way i allow myself to be so messed up during the hols. honestly, one wud expect sum one of mae character to hav sum self-discipline and hold fast to the road of having intense, uncensored fun. but noooooo... i've gotta take a 'detour' to sum unknown end and wind up getting all hurt and depressed. ... ... is it worth it?
again i find myself locked in another debate. with myself. (showcases mae lonely sad sad life.) is all the shit we go through worth it? is all the pain we suffer now fer dat one whiff of the rose actually logically inherent? ... well is it? i suppose it has to be. otherwise we wouldn't be made to go through it, now wud we? i muz be mad or sum ting (bear with me.). or depressed to the point of insanity. but i honestly tink dat all the suffering and bullshit and late bus arrivals and sad-excuse-for-food-at-ur-table is actually, get ready for it, NECCESSARY for life. wad beta way to find out ur alive den to suffer? ha. now i know i'm realli mad. even now i'm toking to myself. wadeva. ting is, if u didn't suffer, and lived and absolutely peachy life in everyway, u wun realli appreciate the stuff u hav.
so. let's try and tie dat in to mae own current affairs shall we? now let's sae i know dis girl k? i like her a lot. loads. yea. now. i find myself confused and VERY depressed. WHY? cause of indecision. after all mae shitty lil half relationships, i'm emotionally bogged. literally. i'm in the dumps. i dunno weder to try sum ting out fer fear of rejection. u c? all the experiences i hav had are causing me to increase mae fear of rejection by 10 fold. it's realli contradicting all the nonsense i babbled just now. but if i do end up in a relationship (dats by a VERY long shot), i'll learn to cherish it with mae veri soul. cause of all the experiences. so dere are pros and cons to dis, as dere are to everything in life. but rite now, it's working against me.
it hurts a lot. it's like i'm stuck in e middle with no where to go. stuck in transit. lemme try a poem.
the sideleines of life chafe at mae soul
coupled with the fact i hav no place to go
a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach
lowers the gloom of despair
lost from the light
so far in the dark
no one's going to save me
no one can.
hold my hand
stop the fear
that's eating me from the inside out
the morbidity of man finds no escape
a slight respite is all i need
a breather, a rest
some time to let me think
and find my way home
as the night draws in
enclosing around me like an immense cage
i feel my essence flailing, helpless
to be lost like me, to nothingness.
hmmm. nice i tink. veri dark though. lately all mae poems hav been too dark... cant seem to lighten it up. apprently poems, and art, wen created, reflect the author's/creator's feelings and inner most emotions at dat moment... so yea.. i wrote this on the spot. it might need sum fixing up but i;m not gonna do anything. i'll give u, the reader, sum ting dat is sincere. mae xmas present to all. :D
yea... shawn's finally back from HK. haha. i need to talk to him. onli person i can talk to bout all dis. gotta losen up and let go of the tension... enjoy the rest of the hols. ha. omg... a few nites ago i dreamt i got back mae O results and recieved 31 pnts. .... ... wth. dat wuz damn scary la... wen i woke up i wuz so relieved.. ha. talk bout sharks of fate lying in wait in the undercurrents of stress to bite u in the arse. woah. a rhyme. k lemme type dat out proper.
the sharks of fate
lie in silent wait
in the undercurrents of stress
to bite u in the ass.
WAHAHAHA!! i like dis one... more light eh? o.O heh heh slightly morbid though. and crude. not fer readers 10 and above. :D ok. i'm gonna try and get sum slp. gonna prac bball again morrow. i'm getting beta. peace.
8:37 AM
