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July 2006
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hmm. seem to be hitting off a lot of poems lately huh? haha... prb do another one before i sign off.. had xmas gathering at mae god mum's place today. usual ting la. every year oso hav. haha. val asked me to go fer mass today.. she said 1115 mass and i wuz like 'wth. go so late?!' den i told her i'd try... lol.

she meant 1115 am sia.

so like at bout 12 plus she replied and she wuz toking bout church.. yea. DAMN long winded i am but... u prb get e pic. i made another fool of myself. XD perfect end to 2006 sia... gosh... yea.

spent sum time @ funan.. most fave place in e world... haha. went out to look fer wen's zen stuff.. couldn't find it.. yippes. i'm in so much trouble sia... gotta get those stuff quick ASAP... gawrsh. damn malu if cant deliver on time... wonder wen we're seeing em? hmmmm... yea. so like anyway. xmas ting tonight... normally nice lor.. warm and wad not. haven't seen mae god parents new place... freaking hell... i wuz like completely WHOA... haha. huge place compared to last time..yea. could fit like all deir stuff in without clutter... ... ..o.O i could use dat. haha.

so like yea.. food wuz great company wuz great. spent 'quality time' wit cheryl. ... RIGHT.. quality time... but it wuz nice. is it me? or has jc changed mae god sis a lil? :D nice change i sae. haha... oh yea. she got fatter.

hais. so like yea la. anyways. off to bed. shagged. here's dat poem i promised.

where is the anger?
filling me with it's burning touch
where is the despair?
choking my soul's attempts at life?

they have all gone.
into the abyss.
leaving me here,
cold and empty

where is the fear?
that would send me shaking without hope of comfort
where is the pain?
that unmissed companion on this lonely path

they have all gone
down the oubliette
without hope of return
i am empty

what will fill me
in the days to come?
an echo of the past?
sent to dog my foot steps?

i expect nothing.
and in doing so, will never fall
into the traps laid out.
i will not fail ever again.

no respite from the onslaught of life
no rest
no chance
to pick up the mangled pieces

trembling, sliding away
from all that i know.
mindlessness and madness are one
a non-existent barrier bars them both

inexorably, i raise my tired eyes
to gaze with pain
that ravages my mortal soul,
unto the light that shines

i roam my haunts now
like a wraith
unable to depart, unable to let go
utterly consumed by my fears

the pain has won over.

argh... hols r comin to an end... on e 3rd, i gotta make mae sorry way down to bukit batok... sian man. i tink onli me hs and james gonna go.. suppossed to hav zy oso, but he fergot to apply.. yea.. sucks... juz us 3. sure kena bang one.. haha. oh ya fan she oso can come! :D good to hav a neighbour hu noes u. :D well.

HAIS. worst to come. guess i realli hav no choice but to give e 29th a miss... sucks. EVEN after e 1000 dollar bike, mae dad refuses to let me on e rd at nite on a bike. ... o.O fuck it la... i mean dat is really e shits. wen skool fucking starts it's back to being imrisoned la.. ARGH... o.O i hate dis... gotta go tell val afta dis... hais... stuck at home like a fucking noob... haven't even bboyed in a while liao... muscles becoming a bit ragged... argh. no time la... mayb nxt week.. mon or tues. wanna go out fer a movie wit theresa too... hmm... gotta squeeze dat in too.. argh...

MONEY. shortage, i am experiencing... hais.. spent on all on father's prez. o.O shit... jean how... haha... wad to do.. no time fer job.. onli way out is borrow... sucks to borrow... frag it la.. hais. headache.. heck dis la. i'm gonna shoot hoops. catch u later. peace.

ooookae. i hav NO time to tok bout bangkok sry now... but i can post e damn poem. it's one of mae older ones. one of mae faves, cause it might actually make more sense? o.O haha. enjoy...

Simplicity is harder than it sounds.
Irony that is mocking in it's very eloquence
The keystone of life
Something we will never comprehend

Which artist, painting a picture,
Cannot help but add colour to banish dullness?
Which writer, spewing creativity,
Can resist that urge,
To build a world in words?
But by doing so, they soon find
Their work unacceptable
To their set standards.


Unneccessary flair, an idiocy that
Has infected all of Man
The food of pride and ego
Man just cannot see the perfection
in simplicity
God resides in the little things

The irony of our curse
Is like a blanket of conundrums put on to confound us
Grieving for our creative suffering

The tears of the Mona Lisa

ladeda... juz came back from bangkok. i dun realli hav much time, so i'll post bout e trip itself nxt time. juz noe dat it concerns a whole bunch of she-men and heavily over priced clothing. o.O

rite... juz had a VERI rigorous round of gunbound.. wit jean.. ouch. lost like wad, 20 to mayb 5 if i'm lucky? gawrsh... sum one aint a noob sia. haha. yea.. now i've got dis headache, and mae eyes are flashing like freakin 10 watt xmas decorations. yea...

played badminton at mp again. wit mae mom's fren and bro and wayne. yes. mom's fren. sounds damn weird la. but he's a realli cool guy and all. pro badminton sia.. lost like free oso.. made sum stupid mistakes.. but i picked up sum neat tips. like standing positions, and a new serving habit. :D haha. yea. oso realised it's time fer a new racquet. yay... good timing too. juz got 150 bucks from good progress. jeez. last time i received dat it wuz in p4. yea.. or 3 or sum ting. cant realli rmb. juz noe it wuz LOOOOONG ago... embarrassing. haha. so yea.

gotta freak and leave... post sum of mae newest poems nxt time too... peace. :D

ah. juz dug up the results of the PAE... managed to get MI arts sia. unfortunately juz found out dat MI campus' all are merged together into e one at the bukit batok one. ... wth damn far sia. gotta take train? gosh. juz found out val made it to yishun jc. (o.O) another person hu has to travel like an idiot to a far away place fer 3 mnths. hais. mayb i'll skip lesson sia.

ah. xmas is coming. but e xmas spirit has yet to be ignited. haha... it'll nver eva be so la. u wanna tok bout xmas? let's tok bout e number of human deaths all over the world. oh wait... more accurately e UNNECCESSARY human deaths. ya noe... murder la... kidnap here kidnap dere... stuff lidat. yea. hopefully xmas can do sum ting fer sum of the victims. hopefully. undeniable as it is dat e human population needs to desperately lowered, dere are other ways. i'm not sure wad dey are but dere are sum. such as... i dunno.. like placing ppl like james kwa in a firing range? :D oh shit... haha.

yea. facing another serious shortage of mp3 to listen to... hais. horrid la. no where to get tunes from. got a FEW from kf... tks man. preciate it.sian sian... mp3fusion nth much leh.. like no one wanna update and load sum shit on. gosh dammit la. oh yea. goin off to bangkok morrow. hope it's a nice trip. haven't been b4.. and if anyone needs anything juz tag me. hopefully i'll rmb to read mae tags morrow b4 leaving. haha. yea... or juz msg me or sum ting. btw, i charge a 30% service charge on the price of the item. so yea. XD jkjk.

man i seriously need to play more ball sia. honest. mae skills are seriously degrading... hais. gotta get dat double dribble and juz prac basically everything else... ah. dis is the life sia. i'm realli enjoying dis hols. honest. most enjoyable one so far. haha. yea. so i'm juz gonna stare at a wall now to finish off the day. peace.

poem. help me think of a name fer dis one.

It hurts to think
It hurts to move
The pain,
So intense in it's sadism
Burning a hole through me.
The thoughtless strut their stuff
Earning my hate and enmity
Why are they so blind
To the pain that they cause?
False-friend, Lover and Fool
God's plague on Man
I want to be hollow
Rotten to the core
Then i won't hurt anymore
Amputate that part of me
So i won't feel.
The hate and anger flowing through my veins
Causing endless mayhem and disorder
Will bleed anew through
Old wounds.
In these failed endeavours
Showcasing my stupidity and weakness
I have shamed myself
Tripping all the way
As i dance with angels.

this might be a bit mixed up so yea.. a poem is strictly due to the writer's mood so i'm not in a very good mood la. hope u can still see sum ting in it.

juz got back from chalet... ... shagged man. haven't gotten enuf slp fer 3 days... harz. but lotsa fun. apart from the fact that (due to lack of funds) we all (20+) had to squeeze into a ONE room. yes. it made it damn near impossible to slp. felt like construction workers on hol. ahah. tk god fer gamblers man... dey literally cleared up spaces in e chalet so sum fellas (namely me) could get some slp. speaking of which.. i pathetically lost bout a dollar plus to alan dey all at blackjack. ... effing hopeless la. shud've dropped out wen i made 50 cents... haha. classic sia. wen it wuz mae turn at banker everyone bet big bet big. tryin to squeeze money outta me sia... in the end? WAHA! first turn one black jack everyone pay double sia... nearly bankrupted e whole lot. haha... but. sadly. all e money wen back to em after a coupla rounds... pathetic.

den dere wuz food. consisting mainly of instant noodles and the occasional cracker. .... .... rabbit food sia... lol. sum mure downtoen east foodcourt price almost like macs and e food so little. fuck la. nearly went bankrupt on food alone sia... hais. horrid... arcade wuz ok.. decent la anyway. tried mae hand at initial D. ... o.O wun be trying dat fer a while. haha. absolutely nonsense at it. wuz banging off the sides while i seriously attempted to steer mae car rite. pathetic pathetic.

so like yea la. lotsa things happened... but i'm juz too lazy to put it down. :P heh heh. but in short it wuz a good pain killer... yea... :) got a hold of this song... Lips of an Angel... cant rmb by hu.. nice song. literally plugging it everynite sia.. @ least 20 times before i fall aslp. haha siao huh... how to save a life (jean's reccommendation) is good too... haha. it's damn snow patrol sia, so cannot anyhow listen at nite. scully leave mae mp3 playing again and again and again and again and again till batt flat. .... ouchie man. i hate it wen dat sorta ting happens sia.

so like yea. dere wuz a lot of inspiration to write a poem BUT. STM. so.... yea. until i rmb or recall a feeling... hard to write anything la. haha. but once i do i'll juz publish it. mayb wit a title dis time... haah. i'm not sure why i actually bother to do so... juz guess it feels good to hav ur work appreciated ya noe? :D. hope u do. peace.

ah. fantastic. i had a game at mp yesterday. public court. ha. anyway. it wuz wit mae bro and wayne la... so we had a 3 on 2 wit dese guys. ok. we got owned completely. i mean the guys had a distinct height advantage... e dude can touch rim sia. ... o.O rite. so i did a couple of sweet shots man. 2 fade aways under my belt! haha. fantastic.

like. i'm damn bored. wrote another poem juz now. bloody morbid as usual. realli veri sick of dis teen morbidity. it's so... childish.. gotta break the chains yo. ah... chalet in a couple of days too. good opportunity to get sum mure happier memories... haha. and use it to fuel my fight against morbidity! :D it's a lost cause sia.

didn't 'make it' for the xmas ting at church yesterday nite. or last nite rather. anyway... yea. i juz COULDN't compel myself to go... so ya. realli couldn't.. i tried sia jolyn i tried. .... ... wa ha. jean said onli 10 ppl go. :D hur hur hur. nth to do wit me sia... not like i influenced em not to go... haha.heard dey played sum spritual games... whoa. scary sia. .... dun even wanna tink bout it. oh ya. and jean called me cause she wuz walking back from church at bout 9 plus. dark and all. she found it scary so she called me. BUT. i wuz evil. VERI evil. waha. yea i juz couldn't tok la. mae parents were kinda livid cause i slacked mae chores and shit. sure kena scolding if i tok on fone la. so i told her cannot tok now. tok later... den i msged her a couple of mins later... waited damn long wondering why she wasn't replying. needless to sae, mae imagination started running wild... madness.. bunch of scary stuff flying thorugh mae head... damn scared sia... if she chu shi den it's mae fault. WTH. i would tok diao. ha. but. luckily. nth happen.... she nver see msg... relief. i get to keep mae dick. cheers.

her voice is in my head. it's stuck in my head. a blessing and a curse. poison and cure. the contradictions of life abound around me. save me... please.

it's so incredible the way i allow myself to be so messed up during the hols. honestly, one wud expect sum one of mae character to hav sum self-discipline and hold fast to the road of having intense, uncensored fun. but noooooo... i've gotta take a 'detour' to sum unknown end and wind up getting all hurt and depressed. ... ... is it worth it?

again i find myself locked in another debate. with myself. (showcases mae lonely sad sad life.) is all the shit we go through worth it? is all the pain we suffer now fer dat one whiff of the rose actually logically inherent? ... well is it? i suppose it has to be. otherwise we wouldn't be made to go through it, now wud we? i muz be mad or sum ting (bear with me.). or depressed to the point of insanity. but i honestly tink dat all the suffering and bullshit and late bus arrivals and sad-excuse-for-food-at-ur-table is actually, get ready for it, NECCESSARY for life. wad beta way to find out ur alive den to suffer? ha. now i know i'm realli mad. even now i'm toking to myself. wadeva. ting is, if u didn't suffer, and lived and absolutely peachy life in everyway, u wun realli appreciate the stuff u hav.

so. let's try and tie dat in to mae own current affairs shall we? now let's sae i know dis girl k? i like her a lot. loads. yea. now. i find myself confused and VERY depressed. WHY? cause of indecision. after all mae shitty lil half relationships, i'm emotionally bogged. literally. i'm in the dumps. i dunno weder to try sum ting out fer fear of rejection. u c? all the experiences i hav had are causing me to increase mae fear of rejection by 10 fold. it's realli contradicting all the nonsense i babbled just now. but if i do end up in a relationship (dats by a VERY long shot), i'll learn to cherish it with mae veri soul. cause of all the experiences. so dere are pros and cons to dis, as dere are to everything in life. but rite now, it's working against me.

it hurts a lot. it's like i'm stuck in e middle with no where to go. stuck in transit. lemme try a poem.

the sideleines of life chafe at mae soul
coupled with the fact i hav no place to go
a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach
lowers the gloom of despair

lost from the light
so far in the dark
no one's going to save me
no one can.

hold my hand
stop the fear
that's eating me from the inside out
the morbidity of man finds no escape

a slight respite is all i need
a breather, a rest
some time to let me think
and find my way home

as the night draws in
enclosing around me like an immense cage
i feel my essence flailing, helpless
to be lost like me, to nothingness.

hmmm. nice i tink. veri dark though. lately all mae poems hav been too dark... cant seem to lighten it up. apprently poems, and art, wen created, reflect the author's/creator's feelings and inner most emotions at dat moment... so yea.. i wrote this on the spot. it might need sum fixing up but i;m not gonna do anything. i'll give u, the reader, sum ting dat is sincere. mae xmas present to all. :D

yea... shawn's finally back from HK. haha. i need to talk to him. onli person i can talk to bout all dis. gotta losen up and let go of the tension... enjoy the rest of the hols. ha. omg... a few nites ago i dreamt i got back mae O results and recieved 31 pnts. .... ... wth. dat wuz damn scary la... wen i woke up i wuz so relieved.. ha. talk bout sharks of fate lying in wait in the undercurrents of stress to bite u in the arse. woah. a rhyme. k lemme type dat out proper.

the sharks of fate
lie in silent wait
in the undercurrents of stress
to bite u in the ass.

WAHAHAHA!! i like dis one... more light eh? o.O heh heh slightly morbid though. and crude. not fer readers 10 and above. :D ok. i'm gonna try and get sum slp. gonna prac bball again morrow. i'm getting beta. peace.