Saturday, February 16, 2008
hello.
it's been so long. but not long enough. and still i dream the same dream, and live in fear of having to live out a reality that is so much more unpleasent. I'd like to live that dream. Every second, and minute of it. it doesnt last long. but it feels so damn good. i feel alive for just a moment. just that moment before the touch of dawn rips my eyelids open, forcing me to face another day.
things arent going too well. everything is pretty much downhill from where i last stood. position. ability. possibility of capability. etcetra. im pretty much used to the decadence though. numbed to it, more or less. and im glad of it. glad that it doesnt hurt like it always used to. i can now fail freely without anything standing in the way. failing. it's still not fun though. dont think it'll ever be.
and about that. i divulged to a third party. i needed to. i need someone to know that i'm suffering from indecision and cowardice. and the lack of ability and opportunity. i dont want help. even if i need it so bad. i dont want it. God has given me an odd peace. and i'm grateful. but nothing more is probably going to come of it. i try. and burn myself trying. chafing my soul and fraying the edges of my heart along the way. words soothe the hurts. and the memory of that hug still remains. welcomed on some days, rejected sourly on others. i love it, and hate it. i wish time had stopped then.
some look. but cannot see.
some hear, but cannot listen.
some speak, but cannot talk.
some feel, but cannot retain.
i see. and wish i was blind.
i hear, and wish i was deaf.
i speak, and wish i was mute.
i feel, and i wish i could never retain.
if love hurts this much,
why bother loving?
to impale yourself,
day after grey day.
the last. may this be the last.
i beseech and beg,
with the dregs of my sorrowed soul.
down on my knees
to try. and to fail.
time after endless time.
it aches so bad,
i could cry of the pain.
and you there,
unknowing.
i wish i could change,
from the inside out.
so you would let me love you.
9:36 AM
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Bony ends wracked with pain,
Twisted into an obscenity.
Burning with shame inside,
Cursing my apparent destiny.
Hobbling and wobbling along,
Every step an arduos journey,
Sapping the mind's strength,
Inflaming the soul's vitality.
No person can feel,
No person can contemplate,
The void of honour in such a life,
To live on with such accursed traits.
Oh God above, on thy holiest of seats!
Why does thou curse me?
Smiting me with thy mighty palm,
Entombed in seemingly eternal misery.
The worldy physical gifts are denied me.
But what i honour i have, i hoard.
Releasing what light is left to my soul,
Flaying the masses with my thought.
9:29 PM
Thursday, January 10, 2008
no fun. life's empty.
1:13 AM
Monday, January 07, 2008
Writing. And crossing it out.
Words. Born of sooty ink,
Only to be annhilated,
Wiped out,
By thy own flesh-hoard.
There doesn't seem to be a way,
Any way, to put it down.
No right method to untangle
These damnable twists and turns.
No strength to break the walls.
Speech crosses Thought.
Colliding in splendid calamity.
A pink tangled mass,
Lathered in foamy spit.
But the cat didn't do this.
Your eyes. Cool and Brown.
Like an Autumn's breeze blowing in Winter.
Inspiring the best the pen can give,
And yet, twisting the nib,
All at the same time.
5:46 AM
Sunday, December 30, 2007
it seems i cant really blog at home. hmmm. cause well. i'm in school again. o.o yeah. this is dysfunctional. heh. brought starcraft to school so ivan could install it on his lappy. whoo... damn fun. no lag. ... o.O" yea. ok. it's a really old game. but what the hell. there isn't really much to do here.
as i said before (most probably, but i can't really remember now can i), school is starting soon. ... sucks donkey nuts. rahh. and in a way, it's personally... gratifying... XD i mean. the whole hol was pretty screwed up. literally. havent been able to go out much at all. :/ well. there's always the 6 months of holidaying after A levs. oh wait. got NS. ....
5:23 PM
Thursday, December 27, 2007
whoo. haven't blogged for so long. lazy i guess. not good. must get my butt off the ground more often. before it starts to sag. XDD ahah. anyhow... now im currently stoning my butt off in school. the run today... was... shitty at best.. ahha. yeah. stil far way off from desired timing. but i'll get there la. just need to hype myself up once in a while. :P
im... waiting for my frisbee... .... nadine.. where are u... -.O im bored.. haha. got meeting at one.. until dunno what time. can't make it for night cycling (nuts). parets still don't trust me on a bike, at night. or technically, on a bike at all. for that matter. .... wtf. home electricity supply down. so cant spam ps2 or com. so.... stone in school i guess. rahh!! where is the frisbee?!
anyhow.. lotsa things have been happening since my last post. e.g., bangkok trip la... stayover la.. getting pwned by fever la... destroying my poor defenseless guitar by accident on xmas morning la... and.. stuff like that. and emoing on xmas la... writing super awesome poems la... getting damn awesome high score on tony hawk la... owning ace combat AGAIN... and again.. FIFA... all the late night gaming... and dying kois... and running.. and laughing.. and crying.. and farting... and shitting.. and farting some more.
SIAN.
now hols are coming to an end. soon. be back in school by next week. ... A levs year. ... never mind. must keep eyes on the goal AHEAD! the 6 month ownage holiday after EVERYTHING. :DD HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. owned.
But. it's going to be tough. sucks. hope i don't die.
7:42 PM
Sunday, December 09, 2007
3:40 AM
